Grandma was always right. in Since OD is shutting down....

I miss my Gramma terribly. I remember her always talking about users and abusers. It’s crazy how right she was about everything and at every moment.

I will say that I haven’t always been great at setting boundaries and would put myself in really scary, potentially dangerous situations because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I will also say that I haven’t always been the greatest person and have made my fair share of mistakes. I just try to be the best person I can and not repeat the past.

Today while doing dishes, I remembered why I quit talking to the guy back when. We had hung out once and then I was at work one night where he kept blowing up my phone and was just adamant about wanting to come over. Well, he had paid for pizza and wanted it. He really had walked into my house, heated up his pizza in my microwave and was going through my fridge and cupboards. He then grabbed a sack and filled it with my bottled water and cans of soda. I remember being so stunned that I barely knew him and he was going through my kitchen! I was then too uncomfortable to say anything and just waited for him to grab whatever and leave.

My best friend told me a few years ago after I had a house party where someone stole money from my bedroom and she had said that I’m vulnerable to this kind of stuff because I live alone. That’s always stayed with me and ever since, I am super careful who’s in my house and I’ve also made it a rule that NO ONE will be here unless I’m home and awake. Too many things have walked out of my place or ended up broken for me to try and trust anyone anymore.

I do believe that people can change but I also remember when Dr. Phil said that past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. I think my kid’s Dad and his whole family have just gotten to conditioned to using others and that’s never going to change. I know how I have been treated by every single one which has been either getting used or met with hostility so I know to keep my distance. I also don’t appreciate how pushy he’s gotten about me coming to get him and how if he comes, he’ll just show up to my place?! Uh okay, well that doesn’t mean I have to answer the fucking door either!!

I think they all have serious issues with respecting other people and what boundaries consist of. I would NEVER say that I’m going to just show up at someone’s place, I don’t care if we were super close or not! I think they are just mooch off people and that is a tough habit to break. I used to be like that but after I lost enough people being a piece of crap, I changed my ways. I realize that I wasn’t always in the right.

All of this reminds me to not be like them or even be around them. I have let so much slide in my life and I am just not that person anymore. He was bitching that everyone wants to see him when he gets here but they won’t help him get here either. Well, probably because they don’t want to be stuck with you my guy!!!

HIs main mission is to make my BD mad. I won’t aid in that because all it would do is just make shit worse for my child. I know things are already as bad as they could be, but I won’t do anything on my end so the guy has anything on me. I also think it’s gross that they just sleep with the same women. They just want to try and outdo each other in the worst ways. They both have severe insecurities. Like ewwww…

So we have school tomorrow. My daughter is starting to get really cagey and I know she’s ready to get a break from home before the weekend. We’ve gotten her homework done, did some reading, and even put a puzzle together. I always love having my daughter home but we both gotta get out of the house and hang out with others too.

I know I bitch about being lonely and it sucks not having friends but I also remember what it’s like having friends and people always show me I’m better off just sticking to myself and my kid. I like being in control of my time, my money, my car, who’s around my kid, and not worry about getting tied in with bullshit of any kind. I just wish I could find even one decent person that isn’t out to use me or make problems. I’m a good person and I wish I could attract good people, instead of shitty ones with crazy ass motives.

I plan to stay away from the guy. I think I’m waiting for him to say one more thing I don’t like and then block him. I’d rather not have anything to do with BD or people related to him. People that are related to your BD aren’t your friends and they can switch up on you at any point and then you’re going to be sorry having anything to do with them. I know I’m lonely but I don’t need to worry about things for my daughter.

It sucks to be in this position where I don’t have friends and things tend to get pretty boring and mundane but I’d rather that then things be chaotic and negative around my kid. I just hate having to worry that if anyone is around my kid, there’s potential for things to get completely out of control because it’s happened so many times! Even like when we went to visit my friend at the end of May, neither him or his friend cared about their behavior in front of my daughter and that’s why I’m not sure about ever going there again. I also don’t like how he didn’t apologize for any of it and it makes me worry that there’s a better chance of it happening again!!

I like things to be really calm and positive for my daughter and I don’t want her around anyone that’s going to be screaming at me or cursing me out because she’s witnessed that before. I don’t want her around that shit and I will do what I need to when it comes to her safety and peace of mind. It’s just so much easier to stay away from everyone then have to explain why people get crazy!

It makes me really uncomfortable to know that the guy isn’t just trying to hang out with me and my kid but more or less just wants pictures or videos to make her Dad mad. I know that he would totally deserve it after everything he’s put me and his child through but that makes me just as bad as he is. I don’t believe in an eye for an eye. I don’t want any photos or videos of us floating around, especially because it means drama for some people. I feel like the guy just wants to use me and my daughter for that. NO THANKS!