Narratives. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have done a lot of thinking and realize that our lives are the way they are because of other people’s narratives. I don’t get to have a life outside of motherhood because it wouldn’t mesh with someone else’s narratives. My daughter gets put on the back burner with everyone as it’s narrative fitting for these people.

We went out today and got provisions as we have a big impending storm coming. It’s cold, dark, and windy. It keeps trying to snow so I think we are going to get a couple of snow days. I’m supposed to do my injections on Wednesday but we’ll see what the weather is like tomorrow and I may have to reschedule. It really sucks that the weather has been pretty decent and now that I have something important to do, I will probably have to put it off.

My daughter bugged all day yesterday about seeing my niece and of course, my brother blew her off. She took a nap and then we got snacks and drinks at the store. I told her how sorry I was. She mentioned missing Daddy and asked if I could call him where I said no. She is just such a great kid and it makes me furious that she gets treated this way. I always knew everyone around wasn’t shit but now after having a kid, I just pretty much hate everyone. I considered reaching out to her Dad last night but he’s always more worried about fighting with me and calling me names then talking to his kid and I just don’t want to risk her talking to him and then we go down the same rabbit hole.

I’ve been thinking about maybe going back to school. I haven’t decided just yet but I know that I’d like to work as well but I don’t think I could do both again. I also have to be mindful of the fact that I don’t have anyone reliable to help with my daughter. I know I also have my injections coming up and will be doing physical therapy for about 2 months or so. I’m just upset that so much stuff has sat on the back burner and now everything is a huge setback. I want to do everything to make my daughter proud of me even if it means things aren’t happening like I want.

We made goolash and my daughter didn’t each much. She can be kind of a picky eater. The main things she likes to eat is corn dogs, pizza, and chicken nuggets which is fine but I like to cook and she doesn’t always eat what I make. We did her eye exam on Friday evening and she’ll be getting new glasses in the next few days. She’s able to count to 100 and write down all of her numbers and is doing pretty good in school, with the exception of a couple of bad days here and there. It’s to be expected, she’s only 5 but I definitely am not going to try and incorporate her Dad into the picture because I did that back in October and then she had a bad day at school every day for about 6 weeks and I just can’t handle that again.

I have never in my life seen someone so draining and wanting to create chaos. He did plenty of damage in the couple of days he was around that it makes me hesitant to even let him talk to her on the phone because then if she hears his voice, she’s going to want to see him and I’m just not going to let him come around and create his chaos and poison my child against me again. I just don’t understand why this guy is so fucking crazy and evil but I’ll be damned to allow it into our lives once more. I also don’t appreciate how he doesn’t pay child support and has never been a Dad but manipulates everyone into believing he actually cares. That’s being emotionally manipulative. Sickening.

Another thing I’d like to talk about is sperm donor’s brother. No matter how many times I block him, he creates another Facebook page to keep contacting me. I talk to him some but I get annoyed when he asks for pictures of my daughter and I don’t send them. I know he claims to hate his brother and blah blah blah but he’s still his brother and could switch up on me at any time so I’m careful what I say to him. He wants to come up here for his birthday next month and had to audacity to ask me to go get him!

I don’t know what planet these people splash down from but I am NOT going to drive a total of 12 hours with my daughter to drive there, pick him up and then drive back! He also wants me to get him in the middle of the week and I will not have my daughter miss school. I told him that she can only miss so many days and then I could end up in deep shit. He also said when he was here a couple of months ago, he didn’t get along super well with his family so I’m concerned he’d ask to stay at my place! I am not always home and wouldn’t feel comfortable with him here as my daughter doesn’t know him at all and I don’t want to worry about what could go on in my home if I was gone!!

It’s just crazy to me that it’s never a priority for people to buy their own fucking cars, but would rather try and make others responsible for him! He even offered to pay for my gas but I can’t drive that far to turn right around and drive the whole night back! I would be wiped out for days and I couldn’t imagine putting my kid through that and her still having to attend school! Like what in the absolute fuck is wrong with people!! I could never ask anyone to do that for me, especially a single Mom! Like holy hell, what is wrong with you!! He said something about how he’d plan to sleep the whole way back so when we got here he could go do shit! Uh okay and that means my daughter and I go home to sleep and I get left to worry that she’s missed more school because that’s MY ASS, no one else’s right?!!?

I just don’t get these people because they’ve always had kids but have never actually been parents so they have no idea what it’s like to be responsible for their children! He himself has had 3 kids, probably never paid a dime of child support and was never there to help raise them so he’s no better than his brother!! He mentioned asking his sister to get him and I was happy to hear that. She’s more responsible for him than I am! And she has the whole rest of the family living with her so she’d be able to go kid-free and not have to worry about dragging her kids along! I am also not extremely interested in hanging out with him because I wouldn’t want to worry about his brother seeing us together and I don’t want to worry about him trying to stay at my place so I’m hoping he’ll piss me off pretty good before he comes so I can block him and not have to come up with excuses once he shows up.

He was here a couple of months ago and blew up my phone and by the time I messaged back, he fucking blew me off so I didn’t have to worry about trying to find a sitter to hang out with him. It’s also gross that him and his brother both fuck the same bitches and he actually hung out with one of the girls my sperm donor messes with and that was really gross to hear about. He also has talked about wanting to have a 3some, I think mainly because his brother does so it’s like a competition thing but I’m not into it at all. He’s so much like my sperm donor that I get grossed out. I also get annoyed when he talks about me sucking his cock because I’m busy taking care of my kid so I’m never in the mood for sex talk. He likes to bitch about how much of a loser his brother is but then gets pissed if I say anything. Like okay, don’t fucking bring him up then!!

I think there’s just too many people in the world that are all for themselves. I seem to attract them and I’m always reminded why I just stuck to myself and my kid. I hate how fucking selfish people are and it makes it so much better for me to just do my own thing. I also get annoyed with my friend that’s there that just decides I need to start looking for a place in June even when I’ve explained that I can’t until my lease is up in July. He just wants everything to run according to his timeline, and it’s like okay well this shit isn’t even going according to my own so fuck off!! You can’t just dictate to your landlord that you are leaving in June when you have to wait until your fucking lease is up!!

Moving has definitely made me think about how many issues him and I have had and I would just hate to move so far away from at least some help knowing that we could get there and I end up having no help because him and I have had yet another falling out. He also thrives off people being at his mercy and I just can’t put myself in the position to be stuck putting up with his toxicity and have no other fucking choice because I don’t know anyone else there. I know I’m pretty self sufficient but there’s times where I do need other people and I don’t know if I want to risk being away from my family where I do have help at least sometimes. I just wish my friend wouldn’t have pulled the crap on me that he has because it would make the decision to move there a lot easier.

I also think about how many times he’s fucked up and because I get sick of us not talking, I’m the one to reach out and bridge the gap. I just don’t like how we’ve had so many issues and never clear the air because he don’t like to take accountability. I’m glad that I have awhile to really consider everything before I make the drive to start looking at places. There’s a good chance it won’t happen anyway because it’s not easy finding a house because that’s just the way it is. I do plan to go visit in April over Spring Break but staying at his place just gives me anxiety because it just never goes well and I’m worried I’ll end up driving back in the middle of the night like last time.

People seriously just suck. I also do everything I can to shield my daughter from toxic people and situations. I am really worried about how awful things could turn out after moving there and it makes me wonder if even the idea is stupid as fuck. I already know what it’s like not having any help and I just think going there could be even more devastating to my mental health because I would always feel like I have to do whatever I can do to get along with him because I may need help at some point. It just really sucks that people are like this.

I’ve really had a different perspective since my car broke down and we were on foot. It really showed me how cruel everyone can be and I don’t think I’ll ever completely forget about it. I seriously wish it would have happened to me a long time ago because I probably wouldn’t have continued being the taxi and DD like I was either. I am just so tired of being a good person and feeling stupid for it later when I could use some help and no one cares. I’m just so tired of how much my life has been affected by shitty people and now my daughter has experienced so much of it as well. I’m glad that she’s still little enough that she doesn’t really understand but someday she will. I remember when we were walking and just waiting for her to ask why my brother or my Mom couldn’t give us a ride but she never did.

It’s really hard being completely on my own and it makes me see the world for what it really is. This world is cruel and scary. I wish I could be around forever to make sure my daughter is always taken care of. I wouldn’t want her to ever go through what I have. Like last night when she mentioned her Dad and I told her how sorry I was and that she’ll never know just how sorry I am that he’s not there. I know it’s best he’s not but I can’t even begin to imagine what this is like for her to not have a Dad. I just wish he ever stopped to think about how much he means to her when he doesn’t care at all and that’s why I don’t want my daughter worrying about anyone who isn’t worried about her.

So the weather is getting colder and I’m honestly kinda hoping to wake up and there be a notification on my phone that there’s no school. I would love to just stay home with her tomorrow. I like being with my daughter and I know I bitch about not getting a break but I feel better when she’s with me because then I know she’s just fine.