Stepping Stones. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m doing alright today but I worry my daughter is going to be upset if she doesn’t get to hang out with her cousin, like my brother told her. She has already called my brother and he said he’d call back once my niece wakes up but we’ll see if it actually happens. I just hate that my brother will say one thing but then does something else. My daughter remembers everything that is said to her and will remind you of it. I just hope we get to see her today because she already missed out on the birthday festivities yesterday so I want them to hang out today. There’s no school tomorrow so they can both rest tomorrow.

We’ve gotten up pretty early this morning because my daughter went to sleep about 6pm last night. I’m honestly glad there’s no school tomorrow so she can rest. She gets up early every morning for school and bedtime isn’t until 7pm during the week so it’s nice she can just hang out at home. I think she gets super tired during the week and that’s why she has bad days sometimes. I make sure she gets at least 11 hours of sleep every night but she still has long days at school and she’s still little so rest is needed. I’m looking forward to Spring break where she gets a week off.

I’ve spent a of of time thinking about everything and it’s going to be exciting to start physical therapy and be working on my physical self so I’m in a good place to be able to work. I can’t stand not having a job. Everyone says I’m too hard on myself but I’m not working and I don’t receive child support so yeah I definitely spend a lot of time worrying about money. I also want to plan on buying a new car at some point. I know I got mine fixed but it’s also getting older and has a lot of miles on it so I stay mindful of that.

I have a lot of unresolved issues with my sperm donor and I think the reason why is because so many people have been in the middle of it and I don’t feel like I’ve ever been heard. It’s triggering when people would tell me shit he’s said after they’ve been told to block him and as soon as I go to speak on it, they cut me off and say they don’t want to hear about it. Uh okay well then don’t bring it up then?!?!!? I honestly feel everyone has gotten kicks out of me getting angry that not only are they still talking to him after being told not to but be able to play both sides and I’m not supposed to feel anything negative towards that. I seriously hate how people are so fueled by fucking drama.

I just think it’s crazy that the guy doesn’t do anything to help raise his child but then gets pissed when he doesn’t get to take her at his discretion when he asks maybe once a year, usually on Father’s Day. I also think it’s bullshit that he’s only ever wanted to be a Dad on his terms and then doesn’t understand that we have our own lives and can’t just drop whatever we are doing at the drop of a fucking hat because he wants to play Daddy for the day. I taught him to disrespect me because I allowed all the chaos for so long and being the bigger person that he just took advantage of it. He was so used to me extending the olive branch and then giving him rides to and from so he could see her and then because I was the one that ASKED HIM to come around, he would use that against me. Everything has always been in his favor!

Because of all this, I definitely understand when I see stuff on Facebook about you have no idea what someone is going through, be kind. Absolutely! You have no idea what battles people face everyday, even if it’s just in their mind! I’m so glad that everything has happened because now I know I’m doing the right thing by just not expecting things to ever get better and the best thing I can do for my child is not expect anything from her Dad. He is a very broken, evil person and all he’s ever done is come around to disrupt her stability and poison her against me. I’ll be damned if I ever allow it again. I also don’t care if people disagree with the boundaries I have in place. I’ve always had these boundaries but because everyone would keep talking to him, I’d get broken down and allow the same chaos but I won’t now.

I just have too much on my plate to deal with and he’s not my concern. I am so ready to start working on myself and I only have so much time before I have to make real things happen so in the meantime, I have to utilize what time I have and start dealing with everything I had on the back burner.

But yeah, my brother tells my daughter that she’s going to see his kid today and that didn’t happen. I just get so sick of everyone seeing my kid as just disposable. I’m always the one to make up for it. She took a nap and then we got snacks at the dollar store. She’s wearing her new jammies watching Wednesday. I just hate that people do this to her. Like it’s not enough she doesn’t have her Dad and then everyone else is just as shitty!!