SO I'VE BEEN TOLD ... in SCATTERED THOUGHTS AND BUSY SCHEDULES

I’m sure many of us have already got stories about getting infected by the virus. I know both my siblings have caught it twice, once in the past couple of years. My two oldest nephews caught it once.

Ma is thankfully safe from it. So am I. I’ve had Covid-like symptoms three times so far, although – thankfully – the swab test results were always negative.

The last one was last Friday. I mean, I’d been sneezing a lot since last Wednesday, but I thought it was just my allergic reaction to the office AC.

On Thursday morning at 3:00 am, I woke up with a really high temperature, a runny nose, a major sore throat, and … very sore joints. If you had heard me scream from that room that morning, you’d probably have wondered what sort of horror movie that I was auditioning for. I mean, I was just lying in bed, trying to move my body left and right without hurting myself.

In short, I forced myself to eat – which scared me even more. I couldn’t taste the food! (“Nooo!!”) I still had to teach my classes online from home, since nobody could cover for me at such short notice. (Not the school’s fault – we’re understaffed at the moment.) So I just sucked it up, teaching through the pain. Friends worried and suggested that I get myself swabbed, even though I’ve already had three jabs of vaccination. I mean these days, you never know …

It would’ve been funny if the result were the opposite, especially after almost everyone I know had at least one experience with it early on …

Okay, you’re right. It’s not funny at all. I could imagine, though, the smugness of someone I used to know – who’d probably say things like: “Now, do you see how useless those vaccination jabs are since you can still get it?”

Not worth responding to, but I’d probably reply: “At least I didn’t die from it like too many people back then!” I doubt he’d be happy to be right if I really did die from it – whether I’ve taken the jabs or not.

Damn PMS!

So when the result came back negative, my very first thought was: “Damn PMS!” It’s not the first time, though, so I wasn’t surprised anymore. Neither was my family. Since I’ve had a long history of fainting at school and at work because of that, they didn’t want to risk it. My brother picked me up from my place and drove me home after my last class on Friday night.

Yup, Indonesian Family Emergency Treatment 101. By then, I thankfully could start tasting food again. (YAY!)

So I’ve been told that there are men who still believe (and choose to believe nothing else) that women with PMS are always angry. Believe me, in my case, I’m too low on energy to feel such things. I’ll only be thinking about myself. Chances are you’ll be pissed with me because I choose to ignore every rubbish thing you say – engulfed in my own pain.

Too Tired Of Fear-Mongering Know-It-Alls

So I’ve been told that life isn’t fair. Ha, old news already! I wasn’t born yesterday. Everyone has their own way to fight injustice. It’s one thing to just constantly moan about it on social media – by disguising it as “spreading awareness”.

It’s another story if you actually do something about it IRL. It’s your call to post about it online – with the risk of being considered “bragging” – or not. I know I shouldn’t be too harsh on such people.

The fact is, there are people who have always been aware of how unfair life has always been – even with all the privileges they have. They’ve always known it’s not the same for other people and – if they’re kind – they’re usually more understanding and empathetic – and less judgmental.

On the other hand, there are people who have just been aware of how unfair life is, only because something is taken away from them. As sad as this sounds, you can tell the difference in how they look at life.

Of course, not all of them stay drowning in their own self-pity and envy towards others whom they deem always luckier (the 1%). Some choose to get up, ask for help, stop pointing fingers at other people, start to compromise, and focus on what they can still control. First things first.
So I’ve been told that the vaccination jabs might be “dangerous” – and that I’d be so stupid if I let myself get trapped by their regulations. Thankfully, I question everything myself and always seek for the most reliable, scientific resources to disprove that. Even so, it would still be far more dangerous for me to lose my job if I had been crazy enough to say no to vaccination. My government doesn’t financially support their unemployed citizens – and you’re screwed a lot worse if you’re a woman. (Please, don’t tell me to get married just so someone can financially support me!) Not when I still have to support my family, not when I need to stay sane through all of this.

So, I’m not going to apologize for my choices.

It’s funny how this pandemic has also changed some people you know very abruptly – almost like a 180-degree transformation. The one who used to talk loud about “being open-minded and tolerant towards differences” is now so pushy with what they want others to believe in. What an irony. The warmth has turned to cold.

So once upon a time, I was this lonely, vulnerable, and insecure girl who thought I was being protected. The truth was, I was mostly being talked over – as if I were a stupid kid. I didn’t want to believe it at first, because I didn’t want to lose that person. I kept holding on to those beautiful memories.

“No, I’m not trying to control you or tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful. I care about you.”

Sure. I started finding my own voice and other friends who respected me as their equal too. I thought this person was happy for me, but then I noticed their lack of interest in my friends – even when I always paid attention to theirs. I also remember how unhappy they always were whenever I disagreed with them.

“You’ll never be independent. You still rely on him.”

The last so-called friend who gaslighted me that way is now off into another orbit – and I am so relieved. To answer their question, not anymore. It hasn’t been that way for a long time.

So I’ve been told that – sometimes – days like this may come your way. Days when you have to start learning how to live without them, even by force of nature. It’s never easy, but often inevitable.

They’ll probably deny the fact that yes, there were times when they did silence me during arguments, gaslighted me, and guilt-tripped me if I ever said no to their demands. Dumbly, I’d been playing along – mostly in silence – because I thought it would be easier than causing a fight.

It was my fault that I’d been such a pathetic people-pleaser. I gave them my time and energy without enough left to sustain myself. I remember one of them used to get angry when I suggested that they write a blog or something. They acted as if I’d never want to hear their voice again when all I needed was a break from their negativity!

Lessons learned. So I’ve finally awakened myself by creating healthier boundaries this time. I’m putting myself first.

We’ll always have those beautiful days (which I forever cherish), but I must accept that those days are over now. It’s about time that I stepped back gracefully, especially when things have gotten too mentally exhausting for me.

Friends forever? Yeah, right. Not when they claim that all friends are replaceable, like old toys discarded once they no longer “serve their purposes” (or so they think).

R.