Another sick joke. in Since OD is shutting down....

So, I’ve been pretty busy lately going to counseling, the chiropractor, my job program, and now I’ve done the MRI and had my appointment yesterday to go over the results. I have 2 bulging disks and one is worse than the other so we’re going to do injections on Wednesday morning. I’m nervous but everyone tells me that I’m going to have immediate relief and then I have physical therapy on Thursday morning.

I’ve spent hours since Christmas getting rid of stuff and I can honestly say my house is down to the bare minimum and I couldn’t feel more productive. I also got rid of the car that caught on fire. I’ve put my blood, sweat, and tears into cleaning up our stuff and I’m so annoyed with how much shit we had. I’ve sold a bunch of my daughter’s baby clothes and stuff she’d grown out of as well.

I’m still trying to figure everything out with my life. I think once I’m able to physically feel better than maybe things won’t seem quite so bad. I know that being in pain 24/7 has definitely affected me and I am just so glad that I’ve gotten answers and a treatment plan. I was very niave in thinking that I was just going to be able to tolerate the pain like I have my whole life and then I got that job with the perfect schedule and realized things were a lot worse than I thought they’d be.

Moving. I am just so conflicted at this point because I wouldn’t be able to go until July which was in my timeline anyway but it could be a struggle trying to find housing there. I also question leaving behind what little help I have here and going somewhere hours away where there might not be any at all. I worry that I could be going from the frying pan into the fucking fire because my friend that’s there has proven to be very heartless and I just worry that I could get down there and we have a falling out and then virtually never speak again and where would that leave me if I ever needed help with my kid? I’m only one fucking person.

Every time I talk to him I ask what he’s doing and he always responds with, “some bitches have jobs” and I retort with, “some people have babysitters” I am just so fucking tired of these back handed comments when all I do is talk about how I can’t wait to get back to work and I’m excited to be able to buy a better car and do so much for my kid and that’s the comment I get?! I honestly believe that people thrive off your pain. I really get it now. Do these people think I LIKE my situation?!? All I do is worry about the future and just do as much as I possibly can every single day and constantly make a plan and revise my plan and know that I want better for my daughter!

I feel like people just want to kick me while I’m down. I have struggled so bad with my mental health for the past year and I really thought it was going to be a cake walk to figure everything out once my daughter started school and then I was slapped hard in the face with reality that I’m just facing an uphill battle. Once my kid started school, I had let her Dad come around and that ended in disaster because she struggled acting out every day in school because of him and my phone blew up every day because of her behavior and there was times I had to pick her up early so how would I have held down a job?! Then, I’ve dealt with numerous health problems. I just feel like everyone believes that it’s just my job to do it all on my own and take shit from all of them too. Just kick me while I’m down I guess!

I had a good day though. I was able to get some stuff done and clean up the house. I did think about how things are such a mess with her Dad and his side of the family that she doesn’t get to know her cousins. I’m seriously pissed that he’s painted an ugly picture of me to everyone around him not caring that our child is punished for it. I’m very upset at how much all of his hateful shit has affected my daughter.