My Mindful Depression in Current Events

I am in the bargaining stage of grief. When my mind shifts from one paradigm to another it grieves the old belief structures. I have to go through all of the stages of grief. Metacognition is not intrinsic, it is developable. It is a skill. It is not easy to be mindful of one’s thoughts. I am experiencing depression because I lost the headspace I was in yesterday. I was ambitious and full of toxic optimism. One dm later and my mind went in a completely different direction. I want that old headspace back.

Today is just like every other day. Yesterday, I got a taste of higher thinking and behaviour. Now my inspiration has run dry, nothing’s fine I’m torn. #EmoDrama. I am left with my anxiety, depression and procrastination. I have shrunk my surroundings and I have been keeping myself radically distracted. I cannot will myself to perform anything.

I had all the time in the world to work on my academic goals, it felt like. Now I feel like I have to be in struggle mode. I have to worry about immediate things which I wanted a small break from. I woke up thinking about work and it bummed me out as it does. I like the job, I like the people I’m just still scorned by a few things. Am I toxic? Or is the place toxic?

The buddy of mine that sent the dm, is on the same boat. We are not getting enough hours and we don’t want to have to look for a new gig or a new side gig. Our fear has taken over which is paralytic to our consciousness. My mind is telling me that everything will be fine if we just stick to our predictive programming. I know better than to listen to it. I gave my buddy a brief pep talk and left that conversation. I need that boundary between work and home.

I am going to start studying today but I want to clear my head first. It is all over the place, lucky for Prosebox.

Fear is what I am experiencing. Good old fashion fear. It had been in control my whole life until I pieced it together that all I’ve accomplished with my life was pretending that the pain wasn’t happening. It isn’t happening when you get drunk, get high, have that affair, binge eat, starve, make those purchases, get those likes, etc. I created a fake sense of control but it was the fear in control the whole time. That is what started my annoying self-improvement journey. It is not for the weak, the road I am on. One has to die a hundred times with every revelation.

So that is my existential crisis for today.

I still have that free time, it hasn’t gone anywhere. I have all the resources that I need to be okay. I have the capacity to create the changes that I need. I can have faith and trust in myself, whatever happens, I got me.

Last updated February 17, 2023