2th in Hey, buddy, got a light?

I'm scared. I don't show it though, I just look the same pretty much all the time. But I'm scared. I'll be 30 in August. And I still have to kill myself. Dunno when, but for fucks sake, I'm pushing for something in the next couple of years. I'll finally get my money from my 401k next May, but it certainly won't be anything I could live off long term. I don't even know if I really have to kill myself, but it's comforting to get out-, to say it, or atleast to see it in words. Like it means theres an end soon, this'll all be over, I won't disappoint or hurt anyone anymore and I'll finally be happy or someshit. Or something, I dunno. All my co-workers are kids. Aside from 2 managers, I'm the oldest one at my job. I've never understood why I've got on better with those younger than me. When I was a child, I got along better with those older than me. I could never really make friends in kindergarten or pre-school. My m-...this might be a longer than usual entry, and I don't plan to do it in paragraphs because of the fucked up 'save/preview' thing here. Anyway, my mom was the director of a daycare center from when I was about 5 or 6, to when I was 11. They'd try and put me on the preschool side, but I had no interest in structured group activitys, I did'nt want to make hand turkeys or macaroni art, I did'nt like naptime-, I liked snack time, but that was it. I was'nt a teddy bear, a bumble bee, or any of the other groups. I remember telling one of the workers 'I'm a fish', because I liked fish and fishing. Still do. It's fucking calming, shits fucking zen, man. I already knew at that age, I was different from other kids. It's never really uh...what I mean is, I have no idea how I'm different. I laugh, breathe, eat, shit, sleep, bleed. Outwardly, I'm just some guy, but inwardly, there is nothing short of God coming down off his craftmatic adjustable cloud, and magically righting all the wrongs in my life;,that'd make me happy. Nothing. That guys a dick though, if you thought I was joking when I said I plan to take a swing at that fucker, I was'nt. He'll probably see it coming too, cause duh, he's God, and I'm still gonna do it. I don't have any friends aside from Jarrod, and with his kid and his old lady, he's finding he's got less and less time to chill. I want him to be happy, shes already left and taken the kid before, he was a fucking wreck. If him being happy with them means he has to mature and put them first, I'm all for it. I'm on good terms with the people I work with, but they're just kids. One never shuts the bloody fuck up. I think to myself 'Fuck me running, was I this annoying and stupid at 21?'. My grandmothers husband died recently. He was'nt my grandfather, my grandfather died in 2009, but this guy made my grandmother happy and thats all I could've asked. I'm going to funpost on 4chan for...a better part of the day, because I'm so lightly employed that it's like I'm not even employed at all. Whats pleasing to the eye, in the delusions of my sight, is not what I find, when I reach into the light. I have lost, my mind.