There's a lot in Journal

On my mind atm.
Yesterday my cousin messaged me. I know that I should not be surprised. She’s always been the same, even since a child. Well, I mean she’s older than me but, just saying she’s always been the same. She always wants something. She always talks at length about herself, her life, her kids, etc. She mentioned something about riding and getting lessons this summer. I responded with, I might be willing to do something like give lessons in return for riding time since, as you know my mom got rid of Cloud so I don’t have a horse to ride. And she said, “that’s between you so I don’t want to get in the middle of that.”
Yeah, okay Jamie. Thanks for listening or giving a shit. I don’t think I want to give you lessons anyways.

I had a very weird and disturbing dream that won’t let me go. The images creep back into my mind during the day at random times. It was a dream about my brother giving birth. We were in the house we grew up in, but we were adults. Dad was there, but just sort of standing around in a useless sort of way. T my brother was in labor, and I was thinking, how is a man going to give birth??! Then I thought, well I guess it’ll come out of his butt-? I felt grossed out and sort of like, you know when your own kid has a blowout. Someone’s got to clean it up lol. So I went quickly to get a towel and came back, and he’d already given birth. I stood there a moment sort of shocked that our dad watched doing absolutely nothing and let the “baby” fall on the floor. I bent down and wrapped the “baby” in the towel, trying not to touch it, thinking this came out of my brother’s butt-! Gross :(. As I toweled it off, I thought that it didn’t look at all like a baby- rather like something between a small alien and a troll. And I wondered what in the hell had T been doing and with whom to get “pregnant” with this ugly thing? I became very aware of our dad’s presence as I cleaned the “baby”, like he was there to impose control and oversee that things went his way. I wondered if this monstrosity -even though it was technically just an innocent being- was the result of dad molesting T.

Yesterday was my birthday. My best friend sent me a happy bday message. And DH let me take a nap and got me a bottle of wine. Nice wine. I had maybe half an inch in a glass- it was good. 😋
I also got a message from my mom’s number- I had to check who it was bc I deleted her info out of my phone. It was a happy bday wish. It’s 2023 so it must have been 3 years since she’s bothered to wish me a happy bday. Mostly I noticed a lack of interest on my part.

Went to my pelvic floor PT assessment yesterday. My butt is definitely broken, lol, but she said it is definitely fixable. 4-6 weeks. She did mention that the type of complaints indicate I have the more rare kind of pelvic dysfunction, but they have a specialist on call to reference. So I guess I’m in good hands.
I have a list of exercises to do before next week when the real PT starts. So I’m pretty gung ho to do them.
Started with the laying down exercises yesterday. I need to do some kneeling and sitting, but I was pretty busy yesterday so I might be able to do them today. Even 20 minutes is hard to come by with a baby and toddler 😬

I keep having a distraught moment where I wonder if life on this planet is going to collapse. I won’t get into the dooms day stuff, but I wonder if it does mean life as it is on the planet is in unrecoverable decline. If it is, there is nothing I can do about it. I’m not taking about environmentalist wackadoodles. I’m speaking more of complex systems and the insane idiocy of launching thousands of microwave radiation emitters into the atmosphere.
I wonder if everything and everyone will die. I wonder if a tiny few will survive. I wonder how the environment will recover and look in a hundred or five hundred years.
But I also don’t think there’s any point in worrying. Or is there? How do I know? Maybe it’s because I’m not sure if there is something yet to be done that I think about it.