I feel bi-polar today. in Since OD is shutting down....

My emotions are all over the place and I just can't figure out which one to stick with. I'm really troubled by that guy walking out of my life. It makes me feel like my whole weekend was pointless. I know we didn't spend much time together but in the time I got with him, I was starting to have feelings for him and was getting excited about having him around and hearing from him and then he just stops. No explanation. No apology. I have a missed call from him on my call log from last night so I tried to text him but he didn't answer so I think my phone is just fucked up. There was a part of me that was hoping he would have texted back saying he was sorry for not being in touch and wanted to hang out but I just knew that wasn't going to happen.

I don't want to sound like I put my happiness on other people but there is a part of me that does enjoy having people care about me and want to spend time with me and that makes me very happy. I never have anyone to hang out with outside of work. During the week, I sleep til at least noon, maybe go to the gym and then go to work. I am still spending way too much time by myself during the week and it just gets super old and depressing. I have asked people to go for a walk with me or to come over and chill but everyone has their own shit going on. I'm just sick of staying at work late just so I can be around other people.

Confession time. I do feel like I'm never going to be completely happy until I have a boyfriend. I've done this alone shit for so fucking long that it's what I'm used to but it would be so awesome to have a new person to get to know and get excited about seeing.

It would be so nice to just stop giving a fuck but I don't think that will happen. Part of it is I am not busy enough and because I was getting used to him being around and now I want it. I just wish people didn't come into my life unless they plan on staying because when shit like this happens, it takes me a long fucking time to bounce back from it. I start to think things are falling into place and then they actually fall apart even faster then I could imagine and it just destroys me.

All I know is I'm not the type of person to try and force anyone into being around. I take no prisoners but if people are a part of my life, I need them to be real. Him walking out on me like he did was fucking bullshit and as much as I want to miss him, I'm actually thinking he's a way bigger asshole then I thought and even if he would have stayed in touch, I believe it would have been just so he could stay friends with my brother and that's not fair to me. I don't want someone to just use me to get to other people.

I understand that sitting around being depressed about this is pointless. Being upset about someone who doesn't want to be a part of my life is fucking stupid. It's not affecting him in any way so what's the point? All I'm doing is hurting myself by not enjoying my time before work. I just wish people actually cared about how their actions actually affected me. I am human and I do have feelings even if I don't show them.

I have to go to work soon so I'm slowly getting ready. I'm hoping it's going to be busy again because I need to save up and buy a new phone. The one I have runs super slow, freezes up and doesn't keep a charge for shit.

It just sucks that him and I didn't work out because honestly, I just enjoyed being around him and being with him. I enjoyed his company. I thought he was so funny and just a great person to be around. I worry I'm not gonna find that again. Fuck. Why did he have to walk away! :(

Anyways, gonna go to work and hopefully have a decent day.