Uugh, fine then. in Each Day

I started an entry on, like, the 22nd or something, but M’s departure was pending and I found myself avoiding looking too closely at my feelings until after he was gone.
Clearly that didn’t work, he’s been gone for a week now and I still haven’t processed his leaving. So much for “feel your feelings”. I did manage to cry as he drove away, but it didn’t last long enough to be cathartic, just emotionally backed up.

On the 22nd I had my first counselling session with my social worker since before Christmas. I did not anticipate the glut of crap that came spewing out of my mouth during that session. I was ANGRY, and while dickhead from the last entry was a big part of why, it transferred over my feelings about the mental health help I’ve been getting being woefully inadequate. Part of me felt bad to be complaining about my MH team to a member of my MH team, but it needed to be said. I have asked for specialist help, and they gave me DBT. I’ve cut my sessions with the social worker to once every 3 weeks.

Then on the 26th I wrote this: It is now Thursday night and I am a ball of grief and anxiety. M leaves at 11am tomorrow. I don’t want him to go. I have thought about this phrase a lot lately, and how, as a military spouse it is one of the worst things you can utter. I mentioned this to M on our walk and he agreed with me, that in our world it borders on manipulative and cruel. There’s nothing we can do about the leaving. The only appropriate response to “I don’t want you to go” is “I don’t want to go either”. But M wants this course, and I want it for him too, really. But I got to express my feelings and that’s better than keeping them hidden.

And then just before lunch he drove away. He kept in touch as much as he could considering he was driving most of the time. but then Sunday, he drove into a snow storm in Western Quebec/Eastern Ontario, it took him over 12 hours to drive a route that was supposed to take him 5.5h. He was wrecked by the time he got there. It was a mess. Which meant I was a mess. He failed the entrance exam (which isn’t uncommon at least half the folks failed), but it gave me shades of Cornwall 2020 and No Fucking Thank You. He passed the rewrite, though. And after that the week started improving.

I’ve been doing a lot of purging, I’ve done almost all of the kitchen cupboards and the upstairs bathroom. I’m still needing to deal with my dressing room, but I did organize my yarn/knitting, and purge my jewelry. I’ve already started and finished A League of Their Own, and The Marvellous Mrs Maisel’s 4th season. And I watched Spiderman No Way Home for the second time (I actually didn’t remember seeing it a first time, until too many scenes seemed familiar). I started The Hunger Games this evening, so I’ll probably finish that series in the next few days.

I’m getting lots done, but I’m also getting not a whole hell of a lot done, too. I haven’t done any knitting in a week. I’m doom scrolling A LOT. I’m back on my Tik Tok bullshit.

But I’m okay, I think. I told myself I was going to stop being so introspective, that it’s not helping. So, I’m stopping.