Why I Always Whining? in Current Events

I somehow missed the nice words of encouragement from my teacher on Teams. She said I should be proud of myself. She appreciated my dedication to studying and my amazing summary cards and how I worked so easily and kindly with others in groups, and my great attendance. I was a great student to work together with.

I could have been more dedicated to studying but I’m hard on myself like that. I’m very kind and outgoing in person and I make sure everybody feels included. My summary cards were pretty epic. I had everything organized and concise and I shared the wealth. I want to be more consistent in my next class, however. I start physics on Monday.

Yesterday I thought to myself hey yo, you ain’t been bothered by that drama from a year ago at work you must be over it. Now I’m bothered and it is eating me alive again. I’m pissed that I’m pissed. Like, come on it’s been a year already.

I had another night of poor sleep. I did quit coffee almost two weeks ago but I don’t think it is related to that. I am coming down with a cough. I saw this coming when I was hungover. My body needs to detox. I will support the process. I don’t want to miss any work, I just have to last one more day. It’s a full day tomorrow this time. I really want that four-day weekend. Of course, I will not say no to picking up any shifts.

I had another vivid dream during a nap. This one took place in class. I was a disruptor. Then it somehow turned into a superhero film. Superman, in his iron man getup, and Magento, got into it but were captured by some trap which crushed and spun them into melted metal. I woke up disturbed.

I can feel my depression bubbling up. I have been creating a lot of changes and I think my mind needs to grieve the old structures. I’m also battling two heavy attachments. Porn and phone. I went a month without watching any and then I relapsed. Instead of watching it from a porn site, I will hunt down the OnlyFans of every influencer that posts a thirst trap. I’ll desist. I can use my phone for better uses than scrolling through my newsfeeds until my eyes bleed. There are a lot of things that I want to learn and there are a lot of resources available to teach me.

Currently, I’ve started a six-hour presentation about Natural Law. The new agers are bullshit. They’re demented. They’ve missed the mark. I already knew this going in but this presentation is good at sticking it to them.

Anyway, I have a lot of side quests that I am not doing and that is making me feel like I am procrastinating. Do I need to be busy 24/7? I need to surrender to the laziness and just lay in bed all day and not care for one day. That’s all I wanted while my class was going on. Maybe that habit is what is driving me crazy right now? I have a two-week break between courses. I wanted to do nothing without feeling like I should be doing something, like studying. Whatever. I need to go get my life right. I have to go do an inventory of my art supplies. I have a gift card that I am going to use to up the supplies so I can start painting again. I want to start on Thursday. I have a three-piece that I want to make for Bev. Then I want to create the ultimate to-do list for 2023.