Mad Dream in Current Events

I can be a little out of touch at times. After I wrote my bitter entry the other day I remembered how heavy my depression can be. Rare as it is, it is suffering. Then I have a humbling epiphany about how people really are doing their best even if they “fall short.” Then I think about the different kinds of journeys we are all on. There is no real measure. Mine is not career-oriented it is self-development. Long story short, I am projecting the shame I feel for the man I used to be. When I hear people complain about the world they are really complaining about themselves. They couldn’t love themselves if they were [blank].

On that note, I encounter a lot of “homophobia” from the content I watch online. Detox the gay away, pray the gay away, vote the gay away. These people could not love themselves if they were gay. People with same-sex attraction are not worthy of love. The eugenics they demand, it is hard to witness. I don’t wear identities. I’m not my attractions I have attractions. I’m not a gender I have a gender. I’m not an ethnicity I have an ethnicity. I’m not a caste, creed, or politics, etc. I’m not a legacy, I am an individual consciousness having a temporary human experience. Identities are false idols that create a lot of limiting beliefs because they don’t exist in reality. I can participate in these identities and these cults but I try not to let myself belong to them. I feel like I am back in the closet, as a result.

Anyway, today was just a five-hour shift. My sinuses and throat are acting up. I saw this coming. I was hungover on Saturday, my body needs to detox. I will have a detox bath to support the process. I could also do a coffee enema but I am saving that for Thursday morning. I am off Thursday to Monday and I want to do a long fast. Coffee enema + fast = soothing emptiness.

According to my scale this morning I gained 6 lbs. I thought it was 11 lbs but came to my senses and concluded that I calculated it wrong. I quit coffee, my BM’s are not the same. I also started drinking protein shakes daily and I am eating two extra meals a day. I am confident that I will be back to my normal weight after Thursday morning, lol. Weight gains take a lot longer than a week. My body is still adjusting, I assume. 6 lbs in a week is a little alarming.

My sleep hasn’t been the same I quit coffee. I am not sleeping well at all. I can work on that, I suppose. I did just nap and I had a wild dream. Mel, my buddy at work. I dreamt we took a bath together. Not sure what the scenario was but there was nothing weird about it. Kind of like just sitting in a hot tub talking shit. Later I was thinking about how weird it was. How people at work would find it weird also. I ran into him at a social and we joined at the hip, as we do. When I introduced him to a friend he snubbed her a bit. When I confronted him about it he said that he heard her talking shit about me. Told me that everybody was. They were calling me the deceiver. Decepticon. I isolated myself at the social because I was angry and then I eventually realized that he lied to me so he could have me all to himself. My friend he snubbed would never. I woke up like… what the fuck was that!? I don’t know what the dream meant but it was wild. That would definitely be the full Scorpio experience. Do I want somebody possessive that is obsessed with me? A little bit lol.

Anyway, my city has been spoiled this winter. It’s been our version of mild. We are now in extreme cold warnings as per usual. When I got in my car this morning I was talking to myself about how cold I was and my voice turned into Miss Swan from MadTV. I brought that up at work and we reminisced about MadTV.