Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

The weekend is here, finally. It’s nice to just hang out at home. I have lil smokies in the crockpot and we’re just watching tv. I like when we can be at home and do nothing. It’s still snowing pretty good and the roads aren’t great but they haven’t issued a travel advisory or anything yet.

I’m just thinking about my back problems and really hope to get answers on Wednesday. I really want to to know what is exactly wrong and how to fix it. I’m really sick of being in pain daily and have been for so long that I can’t imagine not feeling like this. It’s really a scary thing having back issues because I could get life changing information next week.

It’s now Sunday. Yesterday I tried to get my daughter to nap but that didn’t happen so we just played on our phones and watched movies. It’s been super cold here and the car was buried with snow so I went out and started it and got all the snow off of it so I won’t have to do it in the morning.

It’s still pretty crappy outside so we are staying in today. I have been thinking a lot about how my daughter really doesn’t have anyone to play with outside of school and how much it bothers me. I know that I can’t change anything with her Dad or his family but it pisses me off that it’s my daughter going without all of these people. I don’t care what the reason is, at the end of the day it’s her missing out. I try to look at the positives though that once she becomes an adult, there isn’t going to be someone to hang out with all the time. The last person I hung out with was my Mom and even that was a couple of weeks ago. It really makes me sad how lonely life can be.

I know that his family probably wouldn’t have made an effort with my daughter no matter what but I know a lot of it has to do with him bad mouthing me not caring that it’s affected OUR child in so many ways. As long as he’s hurting me and making my life difficult, our child’s feelings don’t matter. I can’t even explain the anger and resentment I have for that guy. It’s hard to just ‘get over it’ when I see how much my daughter has suffered.

I blame myself for just about all of this though. It’s my fault that I didn’t think I needed to be on birth control and my fault for believing him when he said he couldn’t have kids. But then I feel bad because if I could go back, I wouldn’t change any of this for the world. I love my daughter more than life itself, I just wish things could be better for her. I’m upset that I’ve put myself out there a thousand times trying to compromise with him and no matter what I say or do, my daughter still isn’t enough for him to want to be in her life.

I’m also angry that the couple of times he did have her I had to pack her food that he was eating while she was there, that I left her with his Mom who was drunk and then left 5 kids alone for the entire night into the next morning, that they were calling her by a name that wasn’t hers, feeding her sweets, and that she was outside by herself with no supervision. I have brought this shit up every time he’s asked to take her since and no matter what reasons I have, he doesn’t think that they are valid enough. This guy will not take any accountability for anything he’s done or his family has done but I’m the bad guy for not letting him take her?! Okay cool, I’m not going to just sit back and wait for something bad to happen either!!

When I think about how he treated me while I was pregnant and how he refuses to be a Dad, it makes me sick to my stomach still. I’m angry that no matter how much he’s done wrong there’s still people trying to defend him. I’m angry that my daughter is growing up in a single parent home because nothing is ever going to get any better. I carry around a lot of anger and guilt that I was unsuccessful in trying to co-parent with him but I know I did everything I could. It’s not me and I know that but I still feel like it is because I’m the one to watch my kid struggle without a Dad.

Even if there was one person on his side that cared I’d feel differently. Just one to message once in a while and even ask how she’s doing. They’ve never cared and I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me but it’s devastating. I know it’s better for my kid that they aren’t around at all instead of the in and out but as a Mom, it’s hard. I gave too many chances and that’s why the guy doesn’t respect me. I also feel like no one has cared what my feelings are and why I have reached the point of going no contact because he keeps manipulating everyone into manipulating me into allowing him to come around.

I can say that I tried, more than I should have but now I’m done. I am so tired of not being able to get anywhere with this shit. I’m exhausted and I want everyone to quit trying to pull back down in it!

So I have gotten laundry done and put away. I even organized my daughter’s dresser and got rid of all the socks that don’t match. I can’t stand that shit! I also got sick of looking at the ones that are now too small. I know that my kid will still get in and make a mess of everything but I at least got rid of all the clothes that are too small and make sure all the socks are put together. I am seriously so tired now. I’ve done nothing but clean today and yesterday.

I still think about moving 6 hours away but I don’t think I will until my kid is old enough to be home alone because I’m just too worried that I’d have even more issues there because really there’s no more help there than there is here. At least here I am able to get help if absolutely needed. There’s a lot of good that would come from moving away but I do worry that things would become a helluva lot harder too because I just can’t stand the thought of putting myself at someone’s mercy. My friend and I have had serious problems every time I’ve visited and it makes me wonder if I’d be a fool to actually move there. I know if I had more friends there it would be a much easier decision but I don’t.

My friend that lives there has put me through a lot of bullshit and I can honestly say I’m not past it yet. I will never forget driving back in the rain and getting home at 2:30 in the fucking morning because him and his friend made me so uncomfortable. I will never forget how I was treated and I just don’t want to ever be treated like that again. The way I felt is something that’s going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I just don’t know how or why things can get so out of control with certain people! He’s another one that’s never taken any responsibility for a fucking thing and that’s why I don’t even know if I actually like him or it’s just my loneliness that pushes me to call him sometimes.

I have gone over this move in my head for years. I told my other friend that I wouldn’t be surprised if I moved down there and within 2 weeks there would be a massive falling out and then I would regret moving. It’s too big of a decision to take lightly. I know he thinks it’s not that big of a deal but he’s not a single parent. I’m not going to move down there and just hope every problem I have just works itself out! No, I want to have a very good plan of what I’m going to do with my kid while I work and would there be someone to watch her in the event of an emergency. I ain’t going to set myself up to EVER need my ‘friend’ down there to help me. I refuse to ever be at anyone’s mercy!

One of the issues I’ve realized lately is how when people upset me, I tend to just go ghost because it’s easier than trying to explain how their actions have hurt me because no one can ever be in the wrong! I used to be an extremely blunt person and had no fucking problem telling people off but through the years I’ve become a lot more submissive and quick to just shut down because even if I try to tell someone how I feel, they are going to twist what happened to make me feel like it was all my fault and there’s also plenty of times I knew THEY were in the wrong but if I didn’t reach out to patch things up, we would have never spoke again.

I have put up with way too much because loneliness really bites. I just hate how nobody can ever be in the wrong. I used to be a really unreasonable person that just didn’t care how I treated anyone but over time I have become a very evolved person that does care how I make others feel. It’s too bad that no one around me is the same way. I haven’t always done or said the right thing but I have really worked on myself in the past 15 years and it’s like no one has ever noticed the progress I’ve made except for my best friend. There’s times where I’d be telling her shit that’s happened and she’s said how if this would have happened years ago I would have been straight cut throat.

The best compliment I have ever gotten was when she told me that I’m really aware of my own bullshit. That truly speaks volumes. I definitely pay attention to my behavior and handle things way differently then I did even 10 years ago. Honestly, everyone should feel really fortunate that I am in control of my temper and that I’m too concerned about going to jail or I would have caught a few charges in the past couple of years. They should be grateful I just go away instead of reacting the way I actually want to. I’m glad that I have calmed down so much but there’s a lot of times where I don’t think it’s okay to not react either.

I’m debating on when I should go to the grocery store next. I am unbelievably sick of food being so high priced. I’m trying to decide what to buy that’s going to last, which I do every time before I buy groceries. Last time I bought some snacks and my kid just wants to sit and eat stuff until it’s gone so I’ve had to hide things this weekend. I just hate how she just can’t stay out of shit! I should be allowed to eat as well!! Ugh, I’m just so stressed and sick of worrying about food and making sure it lasts!!

It’s getting to be late and I’m sad that the weekend has gone so fast. I’m upset that we didn’t do anything but sit here in the house together. If my niece doesn’t come, we don’t really ever have company. I am super glad that my daughter has so many kids to play with at school. I guess all of this prepares her for life because there isn’t always someone to hang out with. I do think it’s good to have weekends to just stay in where it’s warm, relax and watch tv. I just feel bad that most weekends we may not even leave the house.