way too late night thought in Second 1st

11:30 and I had moved to the living room because I don’t have a phone charger in the guest bedroom. I have an almost permanent cord next to my chair in the living room though.

I watched Tic Tok for a while but had honestly turned it down so low as to not wake Rocky up that I couldn’t really hear it anyways. I poked my head in after a while to see that he’s still up. I said something like “I’ve been sleeping off and on and I’m just not tired.” .... it’s not true. I’m exhausted.... but there are a few things killing my brain....

Jake… they are working on his meds… taking things out giving him new things.... “This morning the voices were muffled but I still heard them before I got meds.” When he talks he sounds a bit dead…I know it will pass, it’s the environment, the meds.... the fear of saying something stupid that might get him a few more days in a place he doesn’t really want to be.... but he’s getting help.

Jake… we missed a whole weekend … between meltdown and sickness… He said Ï’ll call after snack time.” and then didn’t. I’m not hurt. I’m not concerned really. Whatever helps while he’s there.... if the other temporary residents decided to play cards he’d be all over it and a phone call should not stop him from some temporary friends.

Found out Destiny stayed an hour of 2 visitation hours .... she got bored and said she was tired.... shrugs glad she went for a bit.....

I miss him a ton. The weekend phone calls are meant to be something to get us through..... a hit of a drug neither of us can live without. It’s not something anyone would choose to live without. I’m not doing well without it tonight that’s for damn sure. What if he feels differently about us when he’s out again? What if we are just a manifestation of a band-aid he will no longer need?.... it’s all bullshit in my head but without a “That’s a silly thought.” it just runs rampant in my skull. I feel like I’m being a big baby.....

If I lay back down though.... I can’t breath without my mouth open.... I can’t conjure pictures in my head of calm and happy.... I will likely grab my phone soon and attempt to watch more Tik Toks hopeful to fall asleep in the guest bed..... thinking about all the things I wish I could do .... liking foods to try and thirst traps to watch again when I’m high.... that I likely won’t remember anyway..... sleep or not… it won’t matter.... tomorrow is the last day or recommended isolation.... but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop....

Jake.... I miss his touch so badly.... after 7 months it’s only just now becoming hard to recall. These weekend reminders are not enough.... at least not tonight… may feel better if I felt better.... may feel better when he feels better..... may feel better after I get a good 4hrs unbroken sleep....