go in 2023

1:44pm

Avoiding work again. I have some time alone in the office and felt like writing. Found the previous entry that I just posted as is. There isn’t much more to say on that one that I can’t say here.

There’s been a lot of contemplating lately. Thoughts, research, dare I say - motivation [if ever so slightly]. I think some of it stems from trying to figure out this double knee replacement and the fact that it could happen this summer. It scares me and makes me hopeful all at the same time.

I never wanted this to be my life. I never wanted to deal with all this. I mean, imagine! Three joint replacements before I’m even 40! How could I be that person. It almost makes me feel some type of shame. Like how do I talk to people about this? Won’t they look down on me? I’m diseased and broken. Unable to heal my own body?!

That’s it though, isn’t it? I’ve taken all this upon myself. I’m blaming myself as if I have some kind of control over what’s happening.

Here’s the thing: as much as I know this isn’t my fault, I think I do have some control. Not to heal the joints that are already beyond their own repair [which is something I’m only now starting to accept], but to heal all those deep-seated wounds that I’ve buried for so long.

That is where my research comes in. For the last several years I’ve sorta just figured I need a lot of therapy. Now I think I can do some work on my own.

Some of this is sparked from a new ache in my back/side that has brought up an intense fear of something wrong with my new hip. [I messed with it last night and can actually move it in all directions, so maybe it’s my back from these office chairs?]
Another part of all this is obviously sparked from the aforementioned double knee. The thought of undergoing that surgery and the weeks of rehab have me wanting to find a way to get healthier. Mind, body, and soul.

I’ve hinted at all these things at various times probably throughout the last several years, but this feels different. The way I woke up the other day with that intense feeling. I’ve never had that connection before.

Plus all these little moments where I’m noticing so much about my body and my reactions. Like I’ll be in the car and I’ll be in an almost constant state of clenched up tenseness. A constant fear of something happening. I don’t know why I’ve never noticed that before, but it has to come from somewhere!

Time to break that all down and release all that unhealthy sh*t I have built up inside of me. It’s going to take a lot of self-care, self-reflection, hopefully good conversations, crying, and acknowledgement amongst other things. But I’m ready to start to move on from all that.

Beyond ready.

rose.