set in 2023

January 24th
4:07pm

I have had the worst time trying to sleep lately. I’m trying to go to bed earlier since I have a new work schedule. By that I mean my goal is to go to my room by 10ish and hopefully be asleep by 11pm. I haven’t had much trouble accomplishing that, but the problem seems to be that I’ll wake up a few hours later and I toss and turn the rest of the night. It’s like as soon as I get even a little bit of stimulation my brain turns on and I can’t shut it off no matter how hard I try.

Last night was rough. I woke up several times and just laid there thinking all the things.

I guess one good thing that came out of all that thinking was the realization that I am still holding so much within myself. Like in that moment it felt like literal years worth of sadness/anger/self-pity/doubt/guilt/everything was stuffed inside of my skin. Coursing through my veins. Flowing around every joint and muscle.

It was crazy. I’ve never had any thoughts like that. I mean I know I hold a lot inside. I know that so much research says my health issues can be caused by stress. I know there haven’t been any other reasons for all this random deterioration. But it’s never hit me like that. Ever.