Vent in Current Events

What we don’t like about others is what we don’t like about ourselves. I am conscious of this fact but I still struggle to recognize when I am doing it. Today, I am rumbling with my procrastination as always. I just have to study for a test. All I want to do is lay around and get lost in a Netflix series, or in a video game, or scroll through my phone until my eyes bleed but I can’t. I am an adult which means I have to do the things I don’t feel like doing.

I am trying to not let myself get worked up when I witness my roommate commit to being useless. Not just useless to me but to herself. She doesn’t even cook for herself she just eats chips and cereal as entire meals. I was doing fine at not becoming unhinged until she left her mess in the living room for me to clean. She is a grown-ass woman, not a pointless 17-year-old pothead. She lays around all day while I take care of everything. [Insert roommate diatribe here]

She is the version of myself that I worked hard to evolve from. I don’t care if I come off as judgemental. I now get to experience the kind of burden I was to others. Oblivious to how parasitic I was to others. It was selfish to let myself suck at adulting. I’ve been on this journey for a few years now. I can see it with old PB entries.

I know exactly what I am failing at and I’m projecting it onto my roommate. That is what I am doing. I have to be honest with myself here. I can also grow a pair and communicate with her. Hey roomie, your stunted maturity has affected me in the following ways…

Anyway, I was complaining, as I always do, about not being ambitious enough this New Year. I wasted all of Capricorn season, sort of. Let’s blame the retrograde. All planets are going direct until April so now is a good time to push myself.

I’m also noticing that I am very sensitive. I can’t encounter anti-gay, anti-not man enough conservative content without feeling some type of way. It would appear that I have insecurities in this area that I need to address. I will do so eventually.

I relapsed with NoFap, I’ll get it together. I quit coffee and it is going fine. I’m a bit of a menace to society now but I don’t care anymore. People suck, they need to know it. I’ve restructured my diet, I am on a health kick out of nowhere. It started with having protein shakes instead of coffee for breakfast. I want to start going to the gym and actually commit to going this time. At least for cardio. I want to go at 4 am. My hours are next to nothing for the next couple of weeks so people need to start calling in sick again or I need to find a second source of income. Things will be back to normal soon enough, I assume, but I have a few ideas. I just need this damn class to be over with so I can breathe and focus on that.

I bought myself a protein powder with greens, I also got ashwagandha root powder, & lion’s mane powder. I make a shake and then pour it into a bowl with some homemade granola because smoothies are baby food and I just can’t drink it. I add chia, hemp seeds, flax meal and pumpkin seeds. Then I eat a bunch of fruit for breakfast instead of coffee. I am looking into trying creatine HCL also.

While I was shopping today, I thought I saw the old crush that I have been thinking about. I’ve been manifesting like crazy, nothing good but now I’m hoping he’ll show up out of nowhere. Do I want a relationship? I want to double my wardrobe. I say that in jest. What I’m witnessing is that most people aren’t experiencing love. They’re experiencing need, want, possession and obsession, etc. I want synergy, not attachment. Their attachment is making them manipulative. It’s a game to make the other person stay. I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t have a missing half.

Anyway, I should probably find something to cook for supper. Then get more studying in. Will I? I don’t know.