Have to even have alone time from myself.. in 40 yr old guy with add trying to make it

Some days are good. Some days are rough. Most days I try to remember life is what u make it. Others I’m not really sure what tomorrow will be or if I even want to experience it. I have tried so many years just to experience the things in life everyone wants. To love and be loved. But sometimes love is an evil thing. Especially if you love someone who won’t or can’t ever love you back or the same. It slowly feels like your draining giving every thing you have. All you need or crave is the love from the one that holds your heart. That special person that makes you whole. But the recharge the fulfillment that you are seeking is forced. You get just enough to keep you Rollin. But always anxious of running out. It’s an empty feeling. I know I know I shouldn’t get my feelings of worth from anyone but me. But that’s not how I’m wired unfortunately. When I love I give it everything. Because the happiness in my wife also makes me happy. I have been that way since the very first day. And haven’t changed that. For her it didn’t stay that way. Pain from childhood sexual trauma has slowly worked its way back in between us again. But not just in our love life but in every way possible. Several years back she was diagnosed with a tumor on the pituitary gland. Not cancer but still scary. Her hormones started going bizurk. So for years our marriage consisted of mostly hospitals and so many meds she slept most of the time and I became the everything. Mom dad appointment maker and driver for everything. All still while trying to work 40 or more hours a week to pay the bills. I was also the only income. BECAUSE Very shortly after my wife and I met she was raped at work. She was terrified of most men at that point. The peice of garbage was never charged with anything. And they made her continue to work with him or quit. We were just dating but she was terrified that I wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore after that. But it never changed my feelings for her. I even quit my job and went to work where she was as a way of trying to protect her. She was just so uncomfortable for obvious reasons that I told her we would quit together. And I would figure out a way to take care of us. I was a welder by trade. And thought I could do it So I closed my eyes held my Breath and jumped with both feet. I took on that roll and have always tried my best. Not perfect but no one is.

In the beginning it was new and exciting. She wanted to spend every min she could with me. She did literally anything possible to make me happy. And I thought she was too. It was always something exciting. We basically did everything except have sex. MULTIPLE times a day. In the car. Mine and hers. In parking lots. Wherever. She was doing whatever she could whenever she could and whenever SHE wanted to. No I did not try to stop her. And never had to ask. Her parents hated me. So I guess that added to the excitement. I honestly don’t know. But just a few months later. Her and her mom got into a fight and I convinced my parents to let her move in. Well kinda like that. It’s been over 20 yrs. Lol well that didn’t last long. Between the tension with my family and she would run back home every time they made her feel guilty. I think sometimes her family used that to torture me. But anyway there ended up being a fight with my father. He said something to her and I felt the need to defend her. So we got kicked out. I had to figure out a plan fast. We got our first apartment and lord has the road been full of potholes. Bad decisions. Were no strangers to either of us. She wanted a baby. And sex was something new and exciting and the first time I experienced it. She was the one wanting to do it. She was my first. And I couldn’t get enough. So I didn’t put up much of a fight. So it started to feel kinda like a payment. She got what she wanted and I got to have fun making it happen. Over the years even while going though other problems we added 2 more. So a total of 3. After the 3rd she developed adhesions and was told she wouldn’t be able to have any more. So then sex no longer had a purpose. It became something bad. Because of her younger experiences. She slowly became scared of everything sexual because that’s all it was after that. And then after the brain tumor she was in constant fear. So her cortisol was always in hyper drive. Cortisol is what your body releases when you get scared. It makes you either run away or fight. If that stays high it causes Cushing disorder. And so many other medical issues come along with that. High BP. Mid section weight gain. High heart rate. Then all that being high can cause Death. I need a break from the story so I will continue on the next page.. to be continued