Mindful Depression in Current Events

I had another depression attack today. I understand that when I enter one paradigm my mind will grieve the old one. Those belief structures have to die. Paradigm is a strong word but if my reality changed in a way that is significant then I have a new reality to accept. I have to go through all of the stages of grief to get to acceptance. Some shifts are major and some are minor but I am sensitive to everything in my fragile little world.

I could have had my reality shattered when I lost respect for someone or experienced a severe loss. Changes in opinion create a grieving process for me also. The longer I take to accept my new world order the longer my depression will be. It can become stronger as well so I try to support the process.

To support the process, it’s easier to know what has shifted. When big events occur it is easier to determine what the cause is.

My mind is lazy, it does not want to build new fundamental belief systems. This is why I surrender to cognitive dissonance so easily.

I am being mindful about what my thoughts are. It would appear that my workplace is my cause. My reduced hours after applying for full-time forced me to rumble with a few things that I have been putting on the back burner. I am also in struggle mode again. I am depressed because I am procrastinating the cognitive gymnastics of processing my feelings. This is also expressing itself in other areas of my life where I am procrastinating.

I can’t just let life happen to me I have to meet it halfway. I know this. I’m hard on myself, I just don’t find the need to validate all of my emotions. Feelings are not that practical. Nobody is free from what they do because they are not free from what they want. I want to be free from every desire so that I can govern myself fully.

On that note, I’m also trying to quit a couple more habits which do have profound impacts on my psyche. Coffee and porn.

Silver lining, my depression does create a lot of opportunities. This is where my creative energy comes from. Also, when I am mindful about what my thoughts are it reveals areas of my psyche where I need to focus on. Karma that I need to alchemize.

I did surrender to it a bit today, my depression. I will be okay, I don’t let myself get near sighted. This too shall pass. So I spent an evening in bed wallowing, I’ll get over myself.

I did have a good day. I spent it with my sister, she helped me make perogies. I also gave her that DVD series we can’t find anywhere. That made her day. I waited a few days to surprise her with it so that I could see the look on her face. I also picked up some more shifts this week. I have my last class of learning tomorrow before my final exam next Tuesday. Then on the 6th I start physics. I’m looking forward to that little break in between. I also made plans to go for a little nature walk with some friends this weekend. Nature can be my healer.

It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. It’s late, I’m going to be tired and I’m going to attempt my first day without coffee. So far I’ve just been having a few sips in the morning. Literally, just a few sips.