Talking to my husband makes me more lonely in My life

Our goals and preferences just don’t align.

Either that, or he’s the rational one and I’m the irrational, delusional one. That makes me think how lonely people who have schizophrenia or delusion must feel. Because other people don’t see and hear the same things that they do.

I’m with the crazy, stupid, irrational, self-serving dream, that is just pandering to my pride. My stupid pride. Yet I secretly, desperately want support pursuing them.

I spent the afternoon trying to find an “accountability partner” or “pen pal,” someone who shares my stupid dreams and can walk with me on this journey. I couldn’t find any good lead. I feel so alone. I just really want someone who shares this dream and wants to be on this journey. I hope to someday find one of those non-traditional mom-type student who’s doing science, to connect with me.

I know that hiding your wants and needs from your partner ain’t good for the relationship, but it’s just so hard. I just HATE it when I share and I’m not understood. That’s MY own problem. Not his. He really wants me to be happy. He’s just not, like, subtle about the emotional stuffs.

Now I want to hide this dream from him and just be alone, with myself. It’s my dream. It may never be fulfilled the way I want it, or at all, but it gives me hope and keeps me going. It’s mine. It’s what I want. Maybe it’s crazy, delusional, and stupid, but I spent my whole life letting other people dictate my path, maybe for once if I could just follow that little voice in my head, even if it turns out to be wrong, I’d be more happy?

Copying from a comment a wrote to answer a kind comment on my post: “I was actually thinking the same before I went to law school, that it was to pay the bills and it was a legal and ethical profession, that I didn’t have to be passionate about it. But 2.5 years later and I’ve been feeling so down and depressed. I’m so torn between just keeping on this track to pay the bills and enjoy my free time with people I love, or seeking some kind of “fulfilling” career that may or may not exist for me, at the expense of losing time with people I love?”