Conversation in Journal

With aunt B went pretty well yesterday. I had a few revolutionary ideas to drop on her.. lol. I have the feeling that she will be mind-blown until about 2 hours after she left. People have a way of falling in and right back out of realizations. But, we will see I guess.
I felt a bit disoriented talking to her. Because her daughter is in the process of (I think) trying to come to some clarity about their relationship. So the daughter (R) isn’t talking to B. They stopped talking in August, I guess. Aunt B described the events leading up to the rift as a “misunderstanding”. I challenged that assumption, but I think, gently. I asked what had happened and, why she thought R had said what she did. B didn’t know. Ah, I said, so you don’t know! That’s not a misunderstanding… It’s failure to try to understand. B thought about that and eventually agreed. It did make sense. And, I told her, R had a reason for bringing up some of these things. R wants to know that B cares. The excuse of “it’s just a misunderstanding” is really very passive aggressive, because it assumes no failure on either party. While diplomatic, this isn’t what R needed or asked for. R asked for understanding. If B withholds understanding, it’s aggressive.
There was quite a bit more to this conversation but, since it was quite a lot, it is difficult to talk about without a lot of back ground. The weirdness is that B is very similar to my mom. My mom is more aggressive and violent, but the basic characteristics are there. B does not use the perspective of herself as parent to a young woman- so has no sense of duty, authority, trying to uncover the need behind what her daughter says. It’s funny because she does get that she was a sub par parent, having been a single mom who chose to have kids with an alcoholic, violent, immature man. Yet her expectation and attitude is that R is just another well adjusted, sage adult who independently meets her own needs and is self aware, etc. And it’s like… No. As a parent, you don’t get to have that attitude with your children. Even when they are adults. I mean, of you want to have a good relationship. Parents can do anything, of course, but there are consequences. B can treat her daughter as just another adult, but the consequences of that are what she’s currently experiencing… Ostracism as R contemplates what good her mother is to her.

Last updated January 12, 2023