Unsent E-mail in 2014

You say that I don't really care about you because you say that I don't understand you. You also say that we can be friends without being lovers. But these two positions don't add up. They can't add up. I've thought about this a lot, and I think that I may have figured it out a few times before. But that doesn't matter in this instance. What matters is, we're only able to be lovers precisely because of why I don't understand you, and it's my lack of understanding that actually adds some validity to my feelings.

I don't understand you. I don't understand you, and I realize that. Believe me, with every seemingly random thing that you do and say, I'm aware that I don't understand you. Just like I've got friends to tell me that I'm clear and reasonable, and that all the problems are on your side, I'm sure you've got those same friends in your world. I've never understood a thing you said, I've never understood a thing you did. Pick a question about you, and I won't have a likely answer. But, having said that, what kind of answer can a person really give? I don't know what makes you tick, or even if you do. Maybe you make more of a whirring sound. The point is, I don't understand you, but what I see, and what everybody seems to see, is that in that sweet world of yours are dreams. Beautiful dreams. There's so much in you, and there's so much POTENTIAL in you. How can a person not be attracted to that? I don't know you. I don't understand you. But I want to. I so desperately want to. Even without understanding, there are things we can infer. I suppose that I'm the last person who ought to be saying this, but I feel that there's so much in you. And I want the chance to be a part of that. To see that. To experience it.

You don't understand me, though. And the problem is, I don't think you realize that. You've got working theories, and you've got ideas. But they're all from when you were a kid. And the data set from then was skewed anyway. You've got your judgements, and you've got your lens, and anything that you do with me is going to get filtered through that. Overcoming this is going to take a lot of time, and a lot of emotional energy. I don't know that you've got enough of either to spend on me. It's because of my second point.

The only way that you'll have the time and energy to spend on getting to really understand me, and the only way you'll have the patience and care to let me really understand you, is if we're in pursuit of an understanding and a connection far beyond that of friends. We have to be lovers. Friends can't spend that much effort on a friendship that doesn't, won't, and can't work without so much groundwork and so many basic rules. That's why I want you. That's why not understanding you is so critical. That's why you not understanding me is such a problem. Friends can forgive and forget. But there comes a time, especially in vulnerable friendships, where one just gives up. There's only so much effort a person can spend. There are only so many hours in a day. You and I have gotten frustrated and given up so many times in the past because you can't or won't understand me, and you won't give me the tools to understand you. The whys of this are now pretty clear to me: there is no reason for friends to do this for each other.

Do I think you and I could be friends? Maybe. To be honest, yes. But we can't do it without the emotional investment of having been lovers. But that isn't going to happen. Because in order for you to care enough about me to want to be my lover, you'd need to have cared enough to try to see things from my point of view. But, the only way you'd do that, is if we were already together. So, we're trapped.

Do I think we could be happy? No idea. How the hell can I answer that? I don't know anything about you. But I want to know. I so desperately want to know. And I know that, if we had a real chance, we'd be able to figure something out. But, you've already figured things out. So what's there left for me to do but to move on?

And, in this case, moving on means moving on without you in my life in any capacity. As friends, we hurt each other. As lovers, maybe not. But the point's moot. So, either we try again, or just leave me the hell alone.