Weekend is almost over. in Since OD is shutting down....

My Mom came over for awhile yesterday. I ran to the store and got some snack stuff to get us by. I am so frustrated that we didn’t get to see my niece of course. Again, this is why I want to move out of this fucking town. It was nice that my Mom came though because it really does break up the weekend some. I really want us to start trying to have people to hang around with and more stuff to do because every weekend is just brutally boring at my house.

Today we got breakfast at McDonald’s and my daughter played in the playplace and then we went to the park for awhile. It was still kinda chilly but the wind was a slight breeze and the sun was warm. I’m glad we got out some today because tomorrow she’ll be at school and I’ll be back at my work program. I go in late though because I said I had counseling but I do need to call and reschedule that because we will be out of town Thursday and I don’t want another late fee.

I’m hoping to get my email for my upcoming job so I don’t have to keep going to interviews. Seriously I’m so burnt out looking for a job that I could scream. I see plenty of women on Facebook daycare pages looking for a job within school hours and also trying to find childcare on weekends just like I’ve tried to do. You can’t find anyone that’s going to do it every weekend or even every other weekend and even if you do, they want astronomical amounts of money so you wouldn’t be able to afford it anyway. It’s a really shitty deal how the one parent gets left with everything and there’s no consequences for the other parent whatsoever. Abandoning your children should be a criminal act and you should be put in prison for it!

I’ve thought a lot this weekend about me being a single Mom and even though there’s so much of this that doesn’t get to me anymore there’s still plenty that does, such as weekends. He doesn’t have to worry about a babysitter or having to be back with your kid at a certain time nor does he have to worry about getting up in the morning, getting her ready and taking her to school. He’s never cared about her whatsoever but cares enough to run around playing the victim card and using my daughter as his scapegoat when needed. He also doesn’t have to worry about spending money on fast food when she asks for it or taking her with to everything if there’s no school or worrying who’s going to pick her up once I get a job or keeping her busy when she’s home.

I just hope that my daughter sees my struggle as she grows up and is very careful who she has children with when she becomes an adult. I definitely don’t want her to ever experience this because it’s been life changing. I will never be the same.

All I know is I can’t put up with the lies, the lack of accountability, the conflict, the fact that I’ve had to threaten to call the cops to get him to leave and how awful he’s treated my daughter and myself. I refuse to ever tolerate this shit again. I’m also pissed that I went against my better judgment back in October and allowed him to come around and then my daughter went through it for a month after to the point where they were looking to boot her from the after school program. Once again, he got to come around and create a plethora of problems, take no accountability and leave me to pick up the fucking pieces.

I’m also pissed at how much I’ve been manipulated into believing that I need to keep putting forth all the work for him to come around so that it can be used against me later as well. Every time I’ve messaged him I start out asking if he would like to try and make a custody arrangement in writing to him calling me every name in the book and then ME asking HIM to come around and then if he does, I have to give him a ride and feed him. He doesn’t have to put forth any work on his end at all and then later uses my efforts against me. I’m also sick of saying how I don’t feel comfortable with him in my home after he acted like he was going to hit me a couple of years ago but still tolerating it because he doesn’t have a car.

I find it crazy that he’s never cared at all but cares enough to try and turn everyone against me. The flying monkeys just look stupid at this point. Nobody is going to even attempt to make me feel bad for someone who owes their child THOUSANDS of dollars and is more worried about hurting me than being a Dad to her. I just wish he would leave our names out of his mouth and just go live his life. I think it’s very selfish that he gets to continue living his life kid free but cares enough to try and stir up trouble. He’s a very sick, broken person that needs a lot of help. I am just so tired of no one wanting to see him for what he is but yet can’t just stay out of it!

It does make me feel better knowing that I have a lot of people supporting me on here and will leave notes saying that they can tell I’m a lot different person now than I was even a couple of years ago. It means a lot to know I’m in a better place and even other people can tell by my entries. I know I’m in a really good place with all of this and see it for what it actually is with my eyes wide open and that’s never going to change. It’s taken a lot of anger, tears, depression, lost sleep, and plenty of heartbreak to get to where I’m at now but I’m definitely grateful for it because it’s made me a better person.

I’m just hoping I’ll get my email tomorrow for my new job and do what I need to do. I’m just so ready to start working and getting things going. It’s been a really long hard road and it’s about time that I see my hard work pay off. It sucks that I won’t be able to take the full time job because I can’t sign up for weekends because I know how that would work out. I’m still upset that so much of my life has been affected because things don’t line up with someone else’s narrative but things will get better over time.

I feel like the working world isn’t designed for parents, especially people that have to rely on others to stay afloat.