I can't decide... in My life

A cute PB entry about a new baby. https://www.prosebox.net/entry/1538564/

I guess… I hope… it’s gonna be me by the end of this year, or a little while later. I still can’t believe it. I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t feel strongly that I’m NOT ready. Nor do I feel completely ready. Financially, we’re doing well. Husband makes well into the 6th figures with shy of 40 hours of work per week, and he can take off any time he wants, and he will have 4 months of paternity leave. More than I would have in maternity leave definitely. I’m good at saving. Years of being a poor grad student without any debt taught me that. Our relationship is in a good place. I think we’re both emotionally healthy. At least I understand that I can’t look into a baby to fulfill me. I live for him, not the other way around. Neither of us has a lot of experience with babies but we’re good learners, educated, and we’re pretty relaxed individuals.

It’s just the career piece. He’s perfectly happy with where he is in his career. Me, I’m not. I’m just not.

I get to name the first girl. He gets to name the first boy.

I just don’t know how I’m going to get to where I want in life. I just want things to come quickly but really, they take time. I have to survive another semester. I have to graduate, study for the bar. I have to support my sister. I so badly want a job. Just a full-time job with benefits and such. I just want to prove myself worthwhile.

I can’t decide whether I want to be in criminal law, or business, or patent. It’s a long road to patent law. Or I should just ditch the whole being-a-lawyer altogether. I just can’t stand the amount of douchebaggery in this profession. Well, there are douchebags everywhere I guess, but if I like a field, I wouldn’t mind it too much. I think.

I hate me and every single life decision I have made (not really but it feels like it sometimes). Am I not fit to be a mother?