Job Program, offers. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I spent my week doing the job program through job service to help me connect with childcare, look for jobs, do interviews and look at maybe going back to school. I’m absolutely exhausted and I’m only there 20 hours a week. I’ve had so many interviews that I can’t even keep track of how many there’s been. I had one on Tuesday at Panera where the lady rudely told me she doesn’t schedule anyone Monday through Friday and I should look at keeping my side hustle which is Ubereats! I’m like uh okay. Well then I had another interview at a second hand store where I got hired but wanted me to do strictly nights and weekends but called after I left saying she’d like me to work Monday through Friday and every other weekend.

I had a couple of other interviews where I got hired at one but never did get the email from HR and the other one was to let me know if my schedule Monday through Friday would be alright and haven’t heard back. I landed the part time job and that’s probably the one I’m going to take because it’s within my daughter’s school schedule and I wouldn’t have to be stressed too much about finding someone to watch her if needed. I just think I will be a lot more successful at keeping a job the less help I need outside of school. No one has been reliable and I know that’s not going to change.

I just don’t want to put myself in a position where I’m trying to rely on unreliable people because I’ve done that in the past and I end up setting myself up for failure. I know that my Mom WANTS to be there for my daughter and help me out but she lives with crazies that just don’t allow it and she was here earlier where I told her I’m not trying to make things difficult for her at home and that I’d been up most of the night thinking about all of this and realize that part time is probably the way to go. The less I have to ask for help, the better off all of us will be. I also got a lead on Summer care as well and I was told that there’s no waiting list and I’ll be able to get her in right away in July.

Weekends are still pretty hard because it’s a struggle trying to find stuff to do and people to hang out with. My counselor suggested church on Sunday but that starts at 8am which means my daughter would be up early and possibly want a nap which could push bedtime back and make Monday morning extremely unpleasant. I want to try and find kids for her to play with on weekends. My brother came and got her for a few hours last weekend but now this time around it doesn’t sound like we are going to see his kid at all. Still don’t know if she will be coming to the funeral on Thursday either.

This week I only have to attend my job program Monday through Wednesday and then I’m off the rest of the week. It’s pretty boring because I’ve gotten everything done so now I just pretend that I’m looking at a college website. I am not a fan of being there but it’s better than sitting in my house by myself while my daughter is at school all day. I’m really lonely and it’s driving me to want a job even more. I want to be around other people, even if it’s just in a work setting. I want to hear other humans talking and having other people around. I’m just getting super depressed because I feel like it’s just been a fucking struggle to get anywhere because I’m a single parent.

There’s a lot I want to say about child support and deadbeat parents but I’m too tired to be on my soapbox so I’m going to save it for another day but I overheard a conversation on Friday that absolutely took me out. I saw a woman who was a single Mom to 3 kids, all under the age of 5 that has no one to help her. I can’t even imagine the amount of stress she deals with every damn day. I deal with the same just having 1 child but 3 would be just about enough to put you in the damn loony bin. There’s just no way I’d be able to handle having that many and having no help at all. I struggle with keeping myself together with just one.

I’m excited about possibly starting a job though. It’s upsetting that the lady hasn’t sent the email of what I’m to do next but if she doesn’t then I’m pretty much back to the drawing board. It’s really hard to be in this spot day after day and unsure of what to do next. It’s making me feel pretty uncomfortable and scared about the future. Being a single Mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I remember telling my friend back in the day when my kid was in daycare that that was the easy part and it’s just going to get harder once she starts school and I can’t believe how right I was. I never imagined it being this hard to find a job Monday through Friday because so many places expect you to base your whole life around your job and I just can’t at this point. I did for 7 years somewhere else and now it’s just not an option!

I was able to get a lot done over the week and plan to keep plugging away. I do want to work part time because I want to be able to have a good balance between a job and everything else in my life where I’m not spreading myself too thin. I also want to consider going back to school and I won’t be able to unless I’m working part time. I considered a couple of different programs but both of them I’d have to be there at 7:30am which means I would need someone to get my daughter ready and take her to school and again, there’s no one that’s reliable that I could count on to help me with that.

It’s just crazy how hard it is trying to balance everything by myself. I shouldn’t have to but that’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I’m going to make it work or I’m going to die trying. I have been stuck for so long and my mental health has taken a serious dive because of it and now, I HAVE to find my way out before I become too depressed to get out of bed. I realize that I need other humans and being alone all day long isn’t what I want for myself.