Basket Case in Current Events

I don’t like to show pain or fear. I let it out on this blog.

My heart has been feeling heavy the last few days. I suppose I had my emotions turned off. Between a TikTok creator that made me feel a little smitten (Dannero) and a song that managed to touch my soul, my guard is down. I’m a little vulnerable. I listen to that song on repeat as though I am picking at a scab. It hurts so good. Pardon my emo-ness but this is when I feel alive.

I am feeling a little humbled, for lack of a better word. I accepted that not everybody failing at life is a victim. Most people have weak characters and make bad choices. Their codependence is toxic and parasitic to everyone else. I create strong boundaries against cluster B’s. Somewhere in the shuffle, I have forgotten their humanity. Some people are going through shit that I can’t even imagine. Who am I to judge? I mean, I’ll criticize and judge anyway.

I do have a few things going on that I haven’t let myself react to yet. My sister’s pregnancy is high risk. Doctors have discovered tumours. I’m worried, a little freaked out even because I know that her doctors will harm her and not heal her. I am having a little existential crisis because I know that I will never talk sense into my family even when I become a holistic practitioner because I’m a medical heretic. Healing comes from those medical priests in those white coats and not from the body. Her solution is simple (but not easy) because disease is simple but nobody wants to face the reality that we don’t catch our diseases we create them. It’s hard to witness this insanity. I want my sister to be okay. I will try to reason with her this weekend to now prevail.

My hours are reduced at work but I know how to struggle. I can power through until sales return to normal. It’s just two months. I am keeping an eye out for other opportunities. It just sucks.

It’s very easy to avoid ownership, accountability and responsibility but I am going to go ahead and blame all the retrogrades for my lack of action. This is my favourite time of year but I’m just not feeling it. We have Mercury in retrograde in Capricorn. Setbacks, finances stagnant, communication problems at work. Mars is in retrograde in Gemini still. The planets of communication, information and action are not functioning at their fullest. Those will be over by the end of the month. Pluto leaves Capricorn in March, and finally, Capricorn placements will get a break from the bullshit since it entered Capricorn in 2008. Pluto enters Aquarius, major shifts are coming for all of us. Saturn enters Pisces in March also, Jupiter will not save those big dreamers with toxic positivity from the crushing weight of Saturn. Enjoy reality!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I am going to “faux-give” myself for struggling to will myself to get things done. It’s so bad that I feel like dropping out of my course which is almost over. I got a taste over the holiday of feeling free from that obligation. I spent all of Monday just laying in bed but my roommate was home and I was mindful of that and that was too taxing for me apparently. Spending a day in bed now feels like unfinished business. I don’t lay there depressed, I just lay there and think and dream. I’ll have plenty of time next week. I only work 12 hours.

I am supposed to be studying right now actually. I had two weeks to do it. I already know that I am going to attempt to cram it in before class tomorrow. I’m way too tired to function. My mind and soul are tired, not my body. I wish I was off tomorrow and worked Friday instead. Friday is my birthday but I’m not weird about working on my birthdays.

Tomorrow my boss is bringing a vegan cheesecake for me. If not, next week. My team did a gift exchange for Christmas and I got a voucher for a homemade cheesecake. I also got a loaf of her sourdough bread which was really good.

Everybody is gagged when I tell them my birthday plans. Courtney, a vendor who comes to work in our store from time to time, it was her birthday today but she wanted that to stay a secret. She let me calculate and read her birth chart a couple of months ago and I only seem to remember when it’s a Capricorn’s birthday. Anyway, she knew mine was coming up and she asked me what my plans were and she teared up and gave me hug. I’m having my friends over for an old-school slumber party. We’re taking a night off from adulting. Apparently, people think that’s an awesome idea.

Anyway, I feel like I opened up pandora’s box, my heart is doing feelings. Gross. I want to shrink my surroundings and hide in my bed. Sleep it off. Emotions aren’t practical, I don’t have time for this lol. Ugh, whatever.