2023-- The year I turn 30 in My life

Expecting this year: becoming a mom, getting my law degree, turning 30, taking the bar exam (96% chance of passing), getting the first full-time job ever in my life.

None of these are that exciting, to me, to be honest.

I think about my childhood, my teen years, my 20s. How I always felt held back. My parents told my sister she was going to become a doctor, just like them. They didn’t have any plan or direction for me. They told me not to work hard in school because the cheaters were gonna do better than me anyway. They made fun of me for wanting to attend classes and on time. They forced me to eat and get fat, while I wanted to be skinny and pretty. They made me wear that boy-short haircut that I absolutely despised, telling me I couldn’t look any better in anything else. So many things that just destroyed my self-esteem.

It was a mixed bag too. They did do some good things. I guess I like those educational games and books we had. And the Chicken Soup for the Soul series really inspired me to become a good person. I think I’d like to have my kids read things about people being nice and kind to each other. A lot of kids books out there feature kids being selfish assholes who complain constantly, for the sake of “humor”. Thinking of Princess’ Diaries, Dear Dumb Diary, Diary of a Wimpy Kid etc. I got to read about virtues and heroic comic characters like Tintin and Lucky Luke, and Benoit. The popular French comic books.

I taught myself to read when my kindergarden closed down. I was a smart kid and loved to read. I couldn’t get enough. My parents made fun of me for loving reading and hid their medical magazines from me, because I was citing facts I read from them. I couldn’t for the life of me think of why they would do that. Also my dad constantly told me I wasn’t “gifted” in math so I should never study it in depth. I later got nearly a perfect score in the SAT math section, but I was too haunted by his words to pursue that subject.

I’m 29.5 years old. 2023 is the year I turn 30. I’ve been married for almost half a year. He is the perfect man for me and if I were not married to him I wouldn’t be married to anyone.

My life has been an incoherent mess and I’m just not proud. This year, I want to swim against the current and go after what I want, for once. I don’t feel like I’d have enough time, because of all the things that are going to happen as mentioned in that first paragraph to this entry, but I’d like to try.