Resolution in Current Events

I am one to write down my goals but I haven’t created a New Years’ Resolution in years. I want to tackle my procrastination. My avoidance habits. They’re not toxic habits but they aren’t meant to be my main course.

Fear boils down to control. We don’t want to lose control or not be in control. We created habits to fake a feeling of control. Whatever those habits are, we started them as children. They served us then but they do not serve us now. I’ve discovered what most of mine were but the bane of my existence is procrastination. My solution is simple, but not easy. I just need to invert my habits. I simply need to save my avoidance habits for the end of the day. It can be my treat to myself. The solutions are always simple, just never easy.

Instead of targeting my goals, I will fully commit to doing chores around the apartment. Instead of thinking about what needs to be thought, I will scroll through my socials until my eyes bleed. Instead of using my energy to work on my goals, I will exercise until I burn out. Instead of sitting down and focusing on what I should be doing, I will leave the house and window shop, if not shop altogether. I have a history of egregious spending habits but I’ve overcome that, for the most part. The pain isn’t happening when I’m buying useless junk. It isn’t happening when we drink, get high, smoke, have that affair, eat junk food, binge-watch shows, etc, right? I had my midlife crisis and discovered that all I accomplished in life was pretending that the pain wasn’t happening. That’s when I started my inward journey. It was never the content in my life creating stress it was the context.

For the record, the average lifespan is not 100. 50 is not the midlife point.

This blog is also a part of my procrastination. I am aware.

TMI Warning
I somewhat caved again with my #NoFap. No fap is the stop-watching porn movement. I am rewatching Westworld and there is a lot of sex and nudity. It wears me down, I am falling for thirst traps on the socials. I will see an attractive man and then peek to see if they have OnlyFans. Then I will peek at their page if they do. Seemingly to size them up. They almost always have small Ds. This morning, I did my old self-sabotage. I made my own porn. This is the pattern that leads to me failing every single time.

I am gearing up to start semen retention. It doesn’t mean that I have to give up having orgasms. I can have one forever without ejaculating. However, there is one that I am working on. The one I used to have before puberty happened. Before I knew how to do things normally. I was so close today. My whole body was trembling but I lost it.

I don’t know what to make of my roommate right now. She has been in hiding for a couple of weeks now. She’s been hiding in her room. If she is in the living room she will leave to go to her room if I come home or do anything outside of my own room. I can barely get a sentence out of her. For example, I’ll try to engage, and ask her if she has plans for new years eve and she will just say yes. She didn’t wish me a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year even though she was home. Am I supposed to be overthinking here? Is this a passive-aggressive way of being angry with me? It’s not working out that way. If anything I am starting to worry. Is she doing drugs or something? We had that talk about her drinking and she stopped, for the most part. She could be going through something but I don’t want to be too emotionally available. People with toxic codependence are parasitic to people like me. If I get up the nerve I’ll ask her if she’s doing okay and let her know that she can talk to me. I complain about her a lot but she is still my friend and I care about her.

Yesterday my goals got away from me. I went to schedule a hair appointment and they had an opening for the afternoon. It takes a couple of hours to get my hair sterling. I think that this will be my last time dying my hair. It’s been fun but I am fighting with my hairline. I don’t know how badly I want to fight this battle. The DMSO is working, so it seems. It’s very easy to tell if anything is growing back because the ends won’t be colour treated. There was some success but it melted off during the bleaching process. I noticed this last time but I was in denial. I want to see a specialist on this matter but only to learn why this is what it is. If it’s a normal process for me then it’s a normal process for me. I suspect that it is alopecia because my legs have bald patches also. They filled in when I was taking iodine every day but I have been inconsistent so the patches are back. The lack of iodine, is it my vegan diet? Is it because I switched to pink salt which isn’t iodized? Is my body just not absorbing it? I do take selenium to help that process. My doctor was concerned with my thyroid at one point.

I’ve been craving eggs real badly lately. I don’t think I will be caving. It’s the only thing I miss since I restructured my diet 7 years ago.

Alright, so if I start the first day of 2023 with my habits inverted, when I’m done with this entry, I will not go exercise for 3 hours in my room. I will be goal-oriented instead. My hours were cut drastically, I haven’t reacted yet. I need to start looking for other work or a new place of employment altogether. I also need to study. Class starts back up on Thursday. I will not scroll through my newsfeeds I will read the Bible instead. So to speak. I will not leave the house to shop I will sit down and focus on what I need to do instead. Small and simple.

I do have a lot of free time coming up. A part of me wants to just tough it out, financially speaking. Take the hit and wait until I get sufficient hours again. I like the job I’m doing. It’s a good fit for me while I’m taking a class. I do have a lot of sidequests, however. I want to write an ebook. A guidebook down the rabbit hole. The goal isn’t to educate, just to breadcrumb all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole. We’ll just have to explore the information on our own. We can tell a person the truth but can’t make them believe it. That journey can only happen on our own. The first chapter will be about discernment. There is a war on sensemaking and we are not in touch with our god-given power of discernment. It is not intrinsic, it is developable. I also want to grow a presence online. I feel like I am being compelled to do so. When spirit says go left, go left. It just feels like everything is adding up to me doing it. Karma seems to punish me when I push it to the side. My content will be all things conspiracy, politics and religion. Things of that nature and then some. It all intersects. I have a very zoomed-out view of things. There are enough truthers out there, conspiracy theorists if you’re a normie. I feel that I already embody a lot of it. Just want to roll with it as people are starting to question things. I will provide some resources. Terrain theory, however, will be my baby. Big pharma is the one world religion we were warned about. Germ theory is the religious belief system.

Anyway, one of the things that I am trying to work out is that I can’t have it all in one place. I need a niche per social media platform. I was thinking about spreading it all out. A podcast about philosophy, I am a product of the times and I am witnessing the world around me. I want to have two separate TikToks. One for all things esoteric which can intersect with politics, PoliticTok. The second one will complement toxic positivity, but with brutal honesty, harsh reality checks, TikTalk. Maybe I’ll put one on IG. I want to have a YouTube but structure it like a late-night talk show. A dumb monologue talking about truther shit. Then talk about things happening in the world. I’ll have a website to tie it all together. It’s all pretty ambitious for a side quest. I know.

Anyway, I shall go attempt to do my day backwards.