Better Possibilities in Parenting

Life has gotten a bit better. It’s because I’m about to quit. I’m in the process of looking for another job. It’s been a long time coming, but when you’re at a company for so long (over 10 years), you get comfortable and it’s scary leaving and looking for something else. The final straw came last week, and I thought I was going to get fired. I knew it was time to go when I didn’t even care, I didn’t cry like I usually do. I didn’t have any emotion except relief. The manager is a bitch and hates most white people at our job and especially me as you can imagine. She actually manages HER boss, a white man, so she gets away with whatever she wants. No one here likes her, but she has a LOT of power here. Well  she kept claiming to see me on  my phone on the internet. Someone on my friends list, who was a coworker took a screen shot of my complaining about the 18 hours overtime we have to work in ONE week and took it the her manager. They were saying it was bc I was on company time and not clocked out. I said I was on my 15 min break. This ass hole had the NERVE to say to me “Maybe you wouldn’t have to work 18 hrs overtime if you weren’t on the internet so much” KNOWING I’m the top producer and already admitting that HE fucked up and cut to many people off the team but oh well we have to finish all the work. So he’s just trying to shift the blame and HIS mess up on me. I’m the scape goat. Whatever helps him sleep at night. He told me I was being investigated but HR, Legal and I/S. He said he’d know something by that afternoon, it was a Wednesday and I didn’t hear anything. But I was so anxious. I packed up my desk, threw everything away, took everything home and worked my butt off. I still didn’t hear anything Fri or Thur. So I went in on the weekend to get as MUCH OT as I could just in case it was my last paycheck. Monday morning I get called up and they write me up for being on internet since I had been warned multiple times. They also took my “privilege” away of having my phone at my desk and I have to take ALL my breaks AWAY from my desk. He said this is the last time and next time I will be terminated. Okay whatever, sign, leave. I was so stressed during the time, that I gained all my weight back. I was down to 139 and now back to 150. It makes me sick. I’d like to think SOME of it is from Cross fit. But I’m not delusional enough to think I gained 10 lbs of muscle. It takes a LONG time to build that much muscle. I sent my resume to my husband’s job, it’s a pay cut but he loves it there. They’re young, hip, good morale, raises, bonuses, opportunity for advancement. I had a phone interview and now a real interview Wednesday.   Norah’s man friends, mom works for a staffing agency so she did my application stuff and interview process and is sending it to a company that she loves. It’s kind of amazing I have these opportunities coming. Just proves that its time. The pay cut is worth it now. It took me a long time to realize it. We don’t make as much as it is already. Enough to get by. But I rather be happy and poor than more money and miserable. Peace of mind is priceless. Since making the decision to leave my home life has gotten better. Norah wasn’t the crazy one. I WAS! I was projecting onto her and in return she was projecting back. I feel bad, and she shouldn’t have to deal with that. It’s not her fault. I want to be the best me, I can be for her. She deserves it, my husband deserves it and I deserve it.   Norah is getting so big, it’s crazy. 16 months! She’s so smart. I love watching her play and explore and say new words. I have to watch what I say. She has started to run up to the dogs, push them and say “Geet! GEET!” and chase them. It’s because our Basset is so annoying and I constantly tell him “No and Get!”. But they’re so good with her, lets her do whatever, and lays on top of them. Norah loves helping clean and eats much more now. She’s got her moms sweet tooth and our love of pizza. But she loves her broccoli too. And loves eating cheese out of the bag like me. She’s so much like Brian and I, it’s scary. She’s started sleeping in her crib next to our bed and I get to sleep through the night. OMG KNOCK ON WOOD! I probably just jinxed it. Oh well, it’s okay. Whatever her needs are. I don’t nurse as much anymore, just when we are home together. She has this new thing where as SOON as she sees me, she sticks her hand down my shirt and fusses. Boundaries Maam! Lol. I don’t mind since I’ve been working so much. I’m at work still 6 tonight. (I get to work at 5:30am) Won’t get home till 8, work 530am-4pm tomorrow and finish up the rest my hours on Sunday. Then work ALL DAY Monday, last day. BUT I work half days Tuesday and Wednesday and OFF Thursday for our 4 day weekend and trip to St. Augustine for the 4th of July. That’s our new annual trip we do now. I will have 30 hours OT on that check. Geez. I WILL enjoy myself. Then by then I may have a new job or find out when I start it. So it’ll be a celebration of all kinds! Funny though, the crazy manager forcing us to do 18 hours, has a 4 day weekend and doesn’t have to come in. Must be nice.   Anyways. OMG I went out with my GAY BFF the other night. Villains and Vixen night at Eclipse so I had my corset and plaid skirt and black boots. We went out to dinner/margaritas first and everyone was staring. Oh well. Then we went to Eclipse, had more drinks, shots. Sat in his car, I had more shots. Then we went to a New pub that opened, smoked the hookah, had some wine and then went to a gay bar that was awesome. Met up with a mutual chick there and we all danced. I was WASTED. Look, I haven’t been able to go out in a LONG time and let my hair down. I had been stressed and just needed to get out. So I did. The chick and I started dancing and then kissing, with our hands roaming all over. (Brian doesn’t care-Secret: we’re into some kinky shit just so you know). Steven was joking the next day, with Brian and I, that Steven was the 3rd wheel and I basically went on a date with a woman. I was passed out by the time Steven got me home. I was trying to lay in the grass and he had to carry me inside, help take my boots off, I was already stripping my corset off. I woke up the next morning, Brian said he checked on me in the middle of the night and then in the morning and I was passed out in the same position. So he knew I had fun. I was so hung over. I had bruises all over my body (like I said, kinky stuff) and he’s like What happened?! While laughing and I could only remember bits and pieces throughout the day. Needless to say our date night that following night didn’t go as planned bc I was still hung over. But I finally got to watch some movies and sleep in peace. My mom will hopefully watch her again in July so we can have an adult pool party at our house, complete with hookah, jello shots, skinny dipping! Haha Hey,  a mom has to let loose every once in a while, and my job has been stressing me that I was seriously thinking of checking myself back into the place I was at when I was 17. But I didn’t wanna leave Norah.   Even though I’m still at this hell hole for now, I feel more at peace. Life has gotten much better since the last time I wrote. I feel like I’m in a much better place. And I read all you constantly. It’s what gets me through work, so I’ve read about all the sad stuff, the happy stuff, the baby stuff, the weight stuff, everything. I love reading. So this is my update for those still around lol   *oh and said coworkers have been deleted. I don’t usually add coworkers or people I don’t like, but she slipped through the cracks. I only have 3 types of friends. 1.Real life friends 2.LONG TIME internet friends who know more about me than my real life friends and 3.Intactivist friends. So co workers who aren’t my legit friends Gots to go!