Process in Current Events

My mother called me to chat. I’m always alone Christmas Eve and day, it makes her feel some type of way. It doesn’t bother me at all.

I barely left my bed today. My mind needs to grieve the loss of the opportunity I didn’t get. I have to go through all of the stages of grief. I feel a little depressed but I’m trying to support the process and not suppress it.

I had a moment earlier where I recognized that I am feeling a little self-seeking. My roommate didn’t have much to say when I told her that I didn’t get the position. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I know her character by now. She’s a selfish person. I am trying to not feel jaded because of the many many many evenings that were all about her and her dramas and upsets. The last time I opened up to her she turned the entire evening into the Tom Owes Toni show. I cancelled that series, by the way.

It just sucks that I have to go through this process when I wanted to do something creative this weekend. I wanted to paint, make content for the socials, etc.

I did make my first TikTok last night but I’m not posting it. I wanted to communicate vocally but chickened out and I just used texts. It was decent. Not as annoying to put together as I thought it would. I need to steps to protect myself from hacking first. What stopped me from being vocal was that my roommate came home. That ruins everything. At least she is actually doing things this weekend. The thought of being around her my whole four day weekend made my stomach hurt. Nothing against her for that, I just like to be completely alone.

I’m currently waiting for her to leave for her dinner already. I’m thinking that I will try and paint a little something-something. If not, read something. Been in bed gaming all day like a loser lol