I hate my Mother. in Since OD is shutting down....

For the past 2 months, I was half expecting my Mom to babysit this morning so I could go get Christmas gifts for my daughter. It had been talked about in every conversation for weeks now, she even repeated back to me the dates for when I would need her and then, she doesn’t even have enough regard to send a text saying she isn’t coming! I haven’t heard from her in days now. I am so fucking glad I was able to take my daughter with me because it saved me a lot of gas and aggravation.

I’m feeling relieved to have gotten this morning over with. Her old daycare lady would have watched her but didn’t want me to bring her until 10am and I would have driven her to the town over and it would have just been a big hassle. It was easier to take her with me but I plan for her to watch her Wednesday so I don’t have to bring her with and that will probably end up being my only break until school starts back up on the 3rd. I still have yet to hear from my Mom and I just think it’s crap that she couldn’t even have sent a text saying she wasn’t coming.

The roads were starting to get slick on the way home so I’m glad we can just be in where it’s warm and not have to go back out. I got us plenty of food yesterday and we are set for awhile. I had a horrible ear ache last night to the point where I was sobbing for hours. I woke up this morning and the pain is gone but my left ear and lower jaw are super sore. I have struggled to open my mouth wide enough to take bites of food. I still have no idea what happened and this is the first time something like this has happened. Hopefully never again because I was losing my mind worrying I was gonna have to see a dr and of course, there’s no one to help with my daughter even when I’m in dire need!

I think there’s several reasons why my Mom says she’ll babysit and then doesn’t follow through. I think she intends to babysit but then my Dad and Jr make her fearful that there’s going to be consequences so she doesn’t. I think that my Dad doesn’t like that I don’t want him around my child so he makes sure my Mom doesn’t help me. I think that my Mom overall doesn’t have any regard for my daughter or myself so it’s easier to pull this crap and even once confronted, she just acts deaf, dumb, and blind like she has no idea what I’m mad about or that she did anything to cause it. It’s maddening that no one matter what she does, she won’t take any accountability and it’s easier to not say a fucking word.

It’s just crazy to think about how hard my life is simply because no one cares about my daughter and myself. It tends to make me feel really angry and vulnerable. I’m terrified all the time worrying what I would do with my daughter if I couldn’t take care of her. I’m angry that we have been abandoned by everyone. I’m sure my Mom will get a hold of me over Christmas because they have a gift for my daughter and I’m going to tell her to go eat shit.

The hatred I also have for my Dad is indescribable. He is another waste of fucking air and should seriously go die. He’s selfish, mean, rude, creepy and still just as much of a fucking liar has he’s been his whole life. My Mom is so quick to put me in my place but isn’t with him when he’s been the downfall of our whole family. She’s let him get away with so much shit and that makes her part of the problem. I think my Mom has just been brainwashed for too long that she can’t see anything else. It’s sad, actually. I feel sorry for her because she isn’t strong enough to break away from it or at least stand up to them.

I could never imagine losing my identity and my whole sense of self to be in a relationship and taking a handful of crazy pills everyday just to try and function because it’s so bad. It’s just a waste of a life. I’m also very angry that while she was having an affair, she expressed how she had no idea that my Dad had abused us kids when that’s a fucking lie. I also get angry that while my little brother was ‘homeschooled’ she did nothing about it and both of my parents act like they aren’t the reason why he’s crazy.

My parents shouldn’t have had children. They weren’t capable of being what we needed, still aren’t. They will both go to their graves never admitting blame for what they’ve done to us. I’m also angry that my Mom didn’t protect us and how she acted like she understood my concerns about my daughter being around him but then once she went home, all that went out the fucking window. My Mom had her own personality once she was away from them and could think for herself and since she’s been home for the past year, she’s just the same depressed basket case she’s always been. I couldn’t imagine not being able to have my own thoughts and being stripped from any kind of privacy and if I do something they don’t agree with then they tear up the house.