Body Image in A Childhood Lost

Assessing my own body image has been difficult. Because it’s… well… complicated.
Body image comes not from being told things about ourselves, usually, but from our same-sex parent’s self image. My mom had very poor self image. She was constantly worried about her weight, worked out religiously, drank protein shakes instead of eating meals, critically assessing herself with statements like “I need to lose weight” or “I’ve gained weight!”. And there was my dad who sadistically played the part of a nagging monkey on her back. “Her Fatness-oh, I mean her Highness!” and calling her the “Large One” in a fake loud whisper that was easily overheard.
I remember as early as 4 or 5- because I wasn’t yet in school- that I would only wear a swimsuit that did not cling to my belly because I didn’t want to look too fat. That is the earliest memory I have about my body image.

I say that my body image is complicated because, it is classically modeled after my mother’s body image which is poor. BUT. I was not allowed to express that. If I was caught modeling my mother’s behavior and words, I would be viciously punished.
I have the freeze reaction to body related interactions. This is in response, I think, to the impossible situation of having no good option to act upon. I could not express a body image attitude without being attacked, and I could neither be confident and assured in an environment of sadistic put downs, the withering jealously of my mother, or the constant reminder of my dependence on my parents and ineptitude in the larger world.
The freeze reaction protected me from being attacked for expressing a poor body image and also allowed me to ignore or dissociate from the pain of being stripped of my confidence.

I keep thinking how unfortunate this freeze reaction is, as it has cost me so much in my life to date. But I am not benefiting from demonizing my freeze response. It was very necessary in the context of surviving my childhood without further destruction to my self. It helped me to preserve intact the ability to reestablish and grow an accurate body image from genuine feeling and freedom. There can be no fault found in the tactics used for survival.

There is so much more to say about how I feel, because this is one area that I have not delved into. But that is enough for now.