Worried. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I mention to my Mom yesterday that I’d like to go get groceries today without my daughter because it just goes so much faster and I’m not sucked into buying a bunch of crap that we don’t need. Low and behold today, I don’t hear from her. This makes me question relying on her to babysit over Christmas break the couple times I need a sitter because she’s so fucking unreliable. I have since made a couple of posts on Facebook as I know it would probably be wise to create a back up plan.

I’m waiting for people to respond and see what they would charge to babysit and if it would even be affordable. I just need a babysitter twice for maybe a couple of hours each time but people here want astronomical amounts of money to watch kids so I may just buy her Christmas presents and call it a day. I refuse to go broke paying sitters.

It’s been super nice not having to worry about needing anyone to watch my daughter but I do have an interview on Monday and I need to try and figure out how I’m going to work and have someone to look after my kid if needed. It’s really ridiculous that it’s easier not to work because I’ve always been made to feel like a burden to others if I should require a sitter. I’m made to feel like a shit Mom if I ever need help and that’s why I don’t bother asking much anymore. I hate being in this predicament and I wish to God that I would NEVER have to ask for help EVER again but until my kid is old enough to be home alone, this is what I have to put up with.

I don’t want to talk about her SD but I think it’s crap that he posts her on his Facebook but will not lift a finger to help raise her whatsoever. It really should be a criminal act punishable by law to run out on your offspring and make the custodial parents life so much harder. I haven’t thought about any of this in so long because I haven’t needed a sitter and we’ve been sick but it’s really maddening what I’ve had to take on by myself all these years because he refuses to be a parent but will come around when it’s narrative fitting for himself.

I also don’t appreciate how it seems like everyone just wants to gaslight me into believing he hasn’t done shit to me or my child and if he did, it wasn’t that bad. I also don’t appreciate him weaponizing any involvement he’s ever had and I’ve been made to feel like a piece of shit asking him to come around. I seriously am so fucking burnt out with my situation and it’s never gotten any better. I’m really wondering if I should even go to that interview on Monday because if there’s no school, I don’t have anyone that is going to help with my daughter.

It’s absolutely mind blowing how people can be like this and never change. If he can’t get to me and control my life then I’m just to be on my own. I’m very angry at the hand I’ve been dealt and sometimes I just want to go on Facebook and post every single screenshot and court document to let everyone know what kind of fucking monster he is. He’s happily ran around telling lies about me so why not spread the truth about him?!

Oh and I’m also sick again today. Allergies are kicking my ass once again. I am so fucking sick of not feeling well that I could scream. My daughter decided to get up at 4 but has been napping for a couple of hours.

I’m angry that my Mom allows my Dad to completely control her and I’m just livid at how much it’s affected my life. I could really use some help sometimes and it’s just not there. I could also use a Mother and Grandmother for my daughter and we’ve never had that. I just don’t get this shit. I would never let a man completely rule my life. I’m angry that no one gives any kind of genuine regard for my daughter or myself. I also think it’s crap that I don’t have any kind of social outlet outside of my home and there’s no one that cares.

I also think it’s crap that my Dad is just adamant that he’s going to be around. I see the red flags in that big time. It’s sad that he just doesn’t want to accept that we all see him as a predator and no matter how nice he is or how much money he gives us, that opinion is going to stay the same. I can already bet money that when I need my Mom to babysit over Christmas break, he’s going to plan to come along and I’m going to have to be a complete bitch. I refuse to keep biting my tongue and I plan on letting him know that he isn’t going to be around my child! It’s like they both have this attitude that if I need a sitter I’m just gonna go along with him being involved. I’m just over being made to feel like I don’t have choices.

Sometimes I just want to hide and never leave my house. I am never going to be able to work because I’m only one person. I’m never going to have a social life because there’s no babysitter. I’m never going to be able to lose weight because healthy food is expensive. I’m fucking trapped. I’m just so angry that I become depressed and then I binge eat and stop caring. Life is fucking miserable and there’s no way out. It’s just the same shit on repeat, day in and day out.