NJM 30 - The End. in Each Day

When I was at work this morning I received an email from my mom’s sister, to all the grandkids. She’s been handling the majority of Gran’s affairs since she’s been in the care facility. Mom told me a while ago that Gran hasn’t been eating well, which is usually a sign of the end. My aunt said Gran’s care providers have stopped medications and will not force her to eat or drink. I say it like that because my aunt said it like that, but I’m sure this is something that Mom and her sister have talked about to death, and it’s just time.

I spoke to mom when I got out of work. She’s spinning pretty hard, understandably. She was trying to get the house sorted before leaving to wait by Gran’s bedside.
Except this process could last weeks, maybe even months, depending on how much she does manage to eat or drink.

I let my boss know, and I sent the same email to M in case he wanted to send it to his chain of command. I’ll get time for bereavement but we’re hazy on whether M gets any because she’s my grandparent, not his, which is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I’ve had to say in a while.

You may think the tone of this email is odd. You’re not wrong. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother in 10 years. And the few times mom forced me to talk to her prior to that, she had no idea who I was. She’s had dementia/Alzheimer’s/whatever since my mid 20’s (that’s about 15 years).
And prior to that I wasn’t talking to her by choice, because of the manipulative and abusive bullshit she’s pulled with her sister and daughters, and then she tried to pull on me. She is the reason why I said to my mom, at 16, “If you ever treat me like that as an adult, you won’t have a daughter”. My sister posted the most accurate (and lengthy) tweet about her after the queen died (this is just a snippet), “Lest anyone think I’m from a well-to-do family, my gran was a cleaning lady who has money from my grandfather’s steelworker pension. But she sharpened that small blade and held it to the family neck, letting it cut just in case anyone forgot she was the queen of something.”

I thought I was feeling sad, earlier, talking to mom. But that didn’t sit right, trying to identify my emotions and honestly failing. When I talked to M about it he brought up how much I’m dealing with and how little mental capacity I have for this. I’m already flipping out about my Force Test, and now there’s this death in the family hanging over me like a spectre. Not to mention how much it’s going to cost to fly home, and stay in a hotel because no one has room in their homes since AB has been gone.
So now I’m mostly feeling frustrated an annoyed. I don’t want to see the majority of the people who will be there. I don’t have the money to spend on this. And I SURE AS SHIT don’t want this to interfere with M’s and my Christmas leave. We need this time to drop at least some of the bullshit we’ve been dealing with…