NJM 28 - A Real Entry in Each Day

Not a fan of todays prompts and I’m feeling the need to purge the crap in my head.

So last week I found out that my promotion is being held up by the fact that I don’t have a valid force test. Cue paralyzing anxiety and the surge of all the negative self talk that comes with anything to do with diet and exercise.
In previous iterations of my journal I have explained the Wall of Awful (see below) I face with regards to exercise. Exercise for the sake of exercise is the most boring, dopamine depleting thing I have to do. People talk about endorphins when they work out. Never experienced that. After I exercise I feel over heated, physically disgusting (because sweat), and my mood is bargain basement low. And most of the time it results in a migraine of some sort, usually the really stabby kind.

The awesome part is that apparently self compassion is the way over the Wall of Awful. Good thing I’m really good at self compassion (I’m not).

I’m not mentioning that it is in our rules and regulations that we are to be given work-hours time to go to the gym. Which because we’re “shift work” (without the perks), we don’t get to leave work unless we’re fully staffed. Which means the exact training that should have gotten me out of this fucking mess is not available to me because of my literal job. I’ve tried talking to my chain of command about it. My boss (who has been incredibly kind and patient with me since I met him in 2020) even offered to be my gym buddy, which is honestly the kindest support, even if it is entirely unlikely that our schedules mesh enough for us to go to the gym together.

I talked to both my therapist and my psychiatrist about my challenge with doing the force test, and neither of them could help. There’s no such thing as medical limitations for mental health.

And yet all of this makes me feel like I’m making excuses or somehow fabricating this bullshit. I hate this barrier. Every single time I have to exercise I have to climb this wall. It makes me so angry and so defeated.

So anticipate some more bullshit about this when I inevitably fail the test on December 14th.