FIL in Journal

Yesterday, I found out DH saw and talked to his dad last week at the grocery store.
This little bit of innocuous information isn’t particularly important in itself, it’s that I found out not from DH, but from an aunt. And I had asked DH directly about his dad, several times last week- he’s been having a lot of mixed feelings and experiences regarding his dad. I know how heavy and pervasive a strained parental relationship is, and I want to be there to support him and show that I’m interested and care.
Not gonna lie, it hurt to find out in the way I did. At the same time, I don’t take it personally. I have too much awareness of how these things work.
It doesn’t benefit me or DH to feel disconnected. It benefits FIL. Who else knows the buttons to push in DH to activate those parts in him but his own father.

Of course, with manipulative people, they are their own worst enemy. It was, I think, less than 2 years ago that both of DHs parents explicitly said they would like for our son W to bond with and be a benefit to his invalid, autistic cousin S. I think that I was more than diplomatic in my response; I asked what possible benefit would our son W receive in exchange for the stark, obvious, deep, and unrelenting liabilities that this arrangement would impose on him? Their answer: the benefits for S will be far greater than the liabilities for W. You’re overestimating the cost and shouldn’t judge how your BIL and BM decide to do things. Your stance is anti autistism.
Yeah. Okay.
Aside from the indefensible motivation to use my child and family, FIL additionally point blank refuses to address my explicit concerns about whether or not he has our son’s best interest at heart. And, I guess readily admitted to his desire to use us for his own gain in his last letter telling DH that all the problems are because of me. I mean, what else can one expect from the guy who employed his son in conditions and pay and hours that not even the most desperate worker would accept?

DH, I think, is in denial about his father’s motivations. Even though he’s heard it straight from FIL, MIL, BIL, and BM, DH still has not accepted the fact that FIL has zero interest in his well being or that of our family or children. In fact FIL is motivated by the opposite value; he is interested and will of given the chance sacrifice us for his own comfort.
That is the only way that DH can experience longing for closeness with his father. DH still feels hopeful that his father can be a “good” grandparent. And is happy with FIL weeks questions about our family and offers help. It’s the equivalent of being excited about being taken out to dinner by your rapist. It’s a tragic, albeit powerful, coping mechanism to deal with horrible people and situations in which one has no control. Except now, DH does have control. He needs to act like he has a choice if he is to confront his father honestly.