Remember the time we had 8 adults and 8 kids at the farm.... me neither in Second 1st

This week’s Door dash goal will be shot. As usual, when it happens it happens with no real warning.... Had a date with Krystal this morning.... and Rocky wants to go see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever today. I bought tickets for the 1:30 show. I was able to work at 4 and made $13 this morning but $90 for the day just doesn’t seem possible. I will be taking Thursday off, and I guess I’ll have to work Sunday.... even though that’s my fave day to take off.... #1 Chick-fil-a isn’t open and they are constantly Doordash busy any other day #2 Rocky’s at work.

.... The craft show was really small… in the halls of a school.... I made $98 total and mom made like $25 or so..... I paid mom for 1/2 the space ($20) and spent a bunch on nonsense while I was there but took $40 to the bank yesterday....

So, I need to make more pokemon for sure..... and the earrings went well too.... so I’ll be spending some on more beads and yarn ..... but for now.... it’s time to concentrate on the holidays.

Thursday I’m am assigned the Turkey… and a pork tenderloin as well as stovetop stuffing and mac n cheese. ..... Also, I need to clean my house… I usually do a nice deep clean twice a year. Just before I take whatever vacation I’ve planned in the summer (June or July) and just before the holidays.... It’s Tuesday and I haven’t even started.... and I’m really not going to have time… I’ll do what I can I guess....

Niki situation? Well, I learned some things from my mom this past weekend that have me..... worried. In the course of normal conversation, She told me that at one point there were 8 adults and 8 kids in our 6 bedroom farmhouse. Pat + Lori (Niki’s parents) and the 4 kids (Jeremy, Alicia, David, Niki) Matt and Angie (daughter Angela) My parents and siblings and 2 other male adults..... I don’t remember that.....

I remember Matt and Angie.... and Angela. We were a transition home for them. I don’t recall them outside the farmhouse setting or the apartment they moved into. I remember a ton about them Matt was a big guy and Angie and Matt were in their room a lot (hehe) Angela was a fun little blonde girl younger than my sister.... a little older than Niki was at the time. She shared a room with my sister and I for awhile, top bunk on a bunk bed with my sister Alicen.

Mom said that they never let us kids be alone with one of the single guys, Len. Apparently, at some point he expressed wanting to have sex with “one of the girls” He ran a Gun Show that Pat (Niki’s dad) and my dad would help set up. I remember waking up to try to go with them .... and sometimes I did. Why would they let a man like that around us? Well, the same reason the 16yr old neighbor got a slap on the wrist … money. I still don’t remember the kids being out at the house.

“Mom, I’m trying to figure out why I don’t remember them being at the house.” “There is nothing to remember.” “That’s funny, I remember riding a bike around the few blocks we were allowed to roam in Flint. I remember that Pat and Lori got Halo Burger for dinner all the time. I remember that Alicia reminded me of the main character in The Secret Garden. I remember walking to the gas station with Scott to get Now n Laters and play Golden Axe. There is nothing to remember about being in Flint either.” Her explanation for why we stopped hanging out was that Pat wanted to turn the shop into an apartment for a relative, so we moved the shop. Not long after that we moved to TN. Then nothing else was said about it....

What I know from life is that sometimes our brains will block out memories that we don’t want to ..... or can’t deal with....

I was telling Krystal this morning about what I do remember. There was a moment when I was at a Gun Show where I’d told Dad I was going to the kitchen to get something IDK some nachos or a drink or something. I wasn’t gone long.... Len was in there and though dad knew where I was it wasn’t long before dad came rushing in like he’d lost me. That’s what I remember.... and as I told Krystal this I got a flash of me sitting on a table and Len walking around to the front of me when Dad rushed in.

I’m extremely bothered by the fact that I don’t remember. It’s just gone. It’s frustrating and scarey.... like…

Do I want to know? What if something absolutely terrible happened? Also, what if I could sort that out and the skin-picking stops? Would it be worth it? is this okay to sort out on my own or should I be seriously pursuing mental health help? (that’s rhetorical obviously help)

I sent Niki a message about talking to her sister.... I’d like in on the “what they remember” conversations to try to clear this up.... maybe it’s not something bad.... maybe it’s some freaky ghost stuff I tried to block.... and had to just to continue to live in that house.... I know whatever it is it’s not “nothing to remember”.....I mean come on 8 adults 8 kids same roof.... not nothing and my 3 cousins would come over all the time and I could write a book about all the stuff we did but not 5 other kids? ........something is up.