This is Really Going to Happen in Inside My Head

I’m about thirteen weeks pregnant. The pregnancy is still going fine. My ultrasound on June 2nd and again yesterday show a normal sized fetus with a heartbeat and no gross abnormalities. This may actually not end in a second miscarriage, which I assumed it would since I was first informed that I was pregnant.

I had one minor scare at a doctor’s office on June 16th. It was the first appointment that Michael was able to come with me. I was originally told that they would be doing an ultrasound, but apparently this particular office doesn’t do ultrasounds. They have an office at another location that does ultrasounds. I have no idea why they didn’t just schedule me for that office, but whatever. I digress.

The nurse doing the Doppler to hear the heartbeat couldn’t find the heartbeat even after several minutes of trying. She finally told us that she ‘thinks that she hears it, but it was weak and faint.’ My heart plummented to somewhere in my shoes. I felt dizzy and nauseated. I actually started to cry. Michael looked really pale and was obviously trying not to cry. Two weeks ago the heartbeat was strong, fast, and LOUD. ‘Weak and faint’ are generally not positive terms associated with a heartbeat. I asked her to bring in the doctor.

The doctor comes in, plunks the Doppler probe on my pelvis and BAM! A strong, fast, and loud heartbeat. It’s the best sound in the world, next to hearing my nieces’ sweet little voices.

We had an ultrasound yesterday to help see if the baby may have Down Syndrome. I requested the testing. I would not abort the baby if it did have a trisomy, but it would be good information to know before the birth. The ultrasound tech said everything looked good though. P-Stut (my nickname for the fetus – it is a combination of Michael’s last name with mine) was moving a little bit and once again had a great heartbeat.

It was at this appointment that I realized that this could actually happen. I may be a mother in about six months. I can’t describe the feeling, but it was pretty incredible. I’d assumed that when I got pregnant right after a miscarriage that it would likely result in another miscarriage. I mean, the last time the pregnancy failed even with the aid of IUI and fertility medications. What hope could this one have when it was conceived without the aid of anything? I’ve spent hours on Google (which I have always condescendingly told my patients to never use as a medical resource) and most stories about pregnancy immediately after miscarriage, especially in the prescence of infertility issues, usually end in another miscarriage. I was happy (and shocked and terrified) when I was told that I was pregnant, but I was never particularly hopeful. I assumed that it would end badly. Every time I went to the bathroom I braced myself to see blood. For the first ultrasound I prepared myself for them to tell me it was another blighted ovum, or worse, an ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t even tell Michael about the first ultrasound. I couldn’t face that stoic look on his face again while I broke down after we were told by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but this is not a viable pregnancy.”

I may be a mother. It’s a trippy feeling.

Artist

Last updated December 08, 2014