Dream Police in Ultimate Randomness

I was going to just come on the site to keep working on an entry I have saved in drafts for my Gamer's Gaming book, but as usual, something came up. Nothing real, mind you. It was all in my head, literally. By the way, great song I used for my title if you have never heard it. "Dream Police" by Cheap Trick, better known for "I Want You To Want Me" and "Surrender". I had that song stuck in my head this morning because they have finally caught up with me. Apparently, I am not allowed to have good dreams. I was having an interesting dream involving my ex and toys of a certain nature that I won't go into, and it morphed into a nightmare about things I miss out on and my ex cheating on me like it was no big deal. Some of the stuff in the dream was similar to things that have happened in the last few years and some were entirely made up by my brain just to make me feel worse I guess. I really don't have the heart to go into any details about it because all it did was make me hurt and poke at every little insecurity I have about people in general and, more specifically, ever getting involved with someone again. Apparently, I trust people enough to work with them (barely), but at this point, I don't ever talk about details of how I feel or let anyone get in close to me anymore, even people who have been in the past. I have done a fair job of insulating my feelings and thoughts from other people. Yeah, someone can always tell when something is up, but I mostly just grunt or nod or shrug. My communication with most people is non-verbal. I still function at work and, surprisingly, I am very nice to customers, but that is about as far as it goes. I'm pretty sure I have also reached a decision about school, at least for the Fall semester. I know that if I were to go back right now, I will bomb just like I did this past semester, so why waste the money and time? I am not saying I won't ever go back, though even that is in doubt. School just feels like part of a chapter of my life that is closed. My life from here on out is going to be very different. Have I given up? It sure feels like it. I have a hard time feeling any positive emotions. Hell, I've taken to watching romantic comedies and such just to remind myself what it feels like to be happy and what love feels like. I have a hard time remembering those most of all. Oh well, at least I can picture what my future looks like again. It doesn't look very happy, but at least I know where I am going.

ED.-It's about 45 minutes after writing this and I had the realization that my dream was damaging enough to my psyche that I really don't want to go back to sleep again anytime soon, by which I mean the next few days.