Okay Shame, Stand Back! in Everyday Ramblings

Love the sky fall, color combo.

As you know if you have been reading here for a time, I have this genetic anomaly, I call it, instead of a defect, I think of myself as a stealth mutant. The cell walls in some of what one would call one’s sweat glands are weak, and they break. The net result is I get abscesses in places we don’t want to talk about.

I am having a flare up of the actual condition, not discomfort in the scar tissue from the surgery I had in my late 20’s, which is more usual and manageable. The original onset of all of this was when I was a late teen and very self-conscious. I felt an enormous amount of shame.

The fact that it wasn’t diagnosed for ten years didn’t help.

During the last few years, like many of us, I have put on weight. In general, I am okay with this. In terms of how I feel about it all I have bad days and sometimes I have really bad days. Most days, though, I am fine with it. I stare at myself five days a week teaching and once the class starts, I am fine. It is around the edges and watching the recording that make me slightly insane.

I have been on the anti-diet and intuitive eating bandwagon for about three years, and I really believe this stuff. I believe that dieting and weight cycling are hard on our health and well-being. I personally in real life don’t know anyone that actually believes on a deep level that diets don’t work. I do know that for a little while they can, sure. And It feels great.

I had good success with Weight Watchers back before this all. But no matter what they tell you, Weight Watchers (or WW) as they call it now, is a diet.

So here is my conundrum. I believe diets don’t work. That over all they are unhealthy and all this stuff about we have to lose weight to be healthy is based on bad science that is done by people who have a strong implicit bias against being “overweight”.

But now I have a verifiable visible folds of skin dilemma. The weight gain is not the cause of my flare up. Wearing slightly too tight clothes and traveling and being stressed are contributing factors but the real reason is my basic mutant-hood.

You can imagine. Not only am I experiencing the real yucky experience of the flare up, but I am also feeling a lot of shame. Grown up right this moment shame that is a call back to the shame I felt as a teenager not knowing what the heck this was.

And yes, I am interacting with my dermatologist on this…

In consultation with Mrs. Sherlock, I have come up with a plan. It is not a diet, it is not a wellness protocol, it is not a lifestyle change.

I guess it is more like a project with three component parts. I keep track of what I eat, (I like doing this, I am a metrics mavin and I love spreadsheets), I eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day and I weigh myself on Saturday morning and text my weight to Mrs. Sherlock.

That last bit we have done before.

Our goal is to lose 15 lbs. each by April 1st. That will be enough for me. Just to take the edge off the folds of skin and I am also going to buy some looser clothes.

I hate the idea that I need to do this. But I accept that there are circumstances beyond the choices I would ideally make. With all my heart I want to find a way to manage this thing, so I don’t have to live with flare ups on the regular.

This will give me a sense of agency. That yes, I can really do something about this and beat that shame on the head with a nerf bat and send it packing.

Last night Ariel called, and we had a “girl talk”. Or the old lady’s equivalent. Diego approved. He spent almost the whole call sprawled across my chest.

Last updated November 16, 2022