NJM 14 - unreasonable in Each Day

When’s the last time you behaved completely unreasonably?

The impulsive nature of my ADHD means that it is not uncommon for me to act in a way that is.. too much. It’s not necessarily untrue, but usually uncouth, and generally not things you say out loud to the people you’re thinking thoughts about.

For example, there’s the time I was talking to my boss about ADHD and he told me some details about his kid having ADHD. He said, “I think he probably got it from me”. Without a beat I blurted out, “Oh absolutely, I’ve seen your inbox”. OMG, SHUT UP!!!

Emotional disregulation is another ADHD symptom that means I have disproportionate reactions to difficult situations. I cry when I’m happy, I get suicidal when I’m sad, and there’s a reason I go by Ms Fury, because anger is such an easily accessible emotion for me and I’ve destroyed relationships with the disproportion of my rage in a given situation.

All of that said, there have definitely been times where, sure, these things might have been in play, but I absolutely knew I was over reacting and instead of stepping back and trying to get ahold of myself in the situation, I doubled down and absolutely made matters worse for everyone involved. But fucked if I could give a specific example. I know M and I have had less dramatic versions of this happen over the years, so don’t mistake me going so far back in time, but with my ex, there was a day where we got our wires crossed and I ended up at home instead of out to dinner with him and his folks. When he called me to ask where I was, I started yelling, and no amount of “angel on my shoulder” voice in my head could make me stop. I’m sure his parents heard me. I was certainly the asshole in this situation, but none of that mattered. I couldn’t stop, and I didn’t really want to.

I think about that moment a lot, and how poorly I have represented myself and my values in moments like this. I try to give myself grace, but I will never be able to take that back.