"Localized" goals part 4 in My life

His love for me is just inspiring. I just need to not abuse it or mess it up.
Because I’m insecure. If you have a good thing, insecurity is going to ruin it. If you have a bad thing, insecurity is NOT going to improve it. You just have to realize that it’s a bad thing and let go.

Much easier said than done, I know. I’m completely sympathetic. I’m the same.

11:36 AM. Until 11:50 AM, I’ll hope to have 12 minutes studying.
Result: Met my goal, and I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything crazy in 12 minutes.

I love Prosebox. I hope their team is doing well. What will I do without Prosebox?

After a day of not getting things done, I’m panicking a bit now. Feeling down a bit now. I don’t have a job lined up for post-grad. I’m stressing and stressing but I don’t know what for.

10:15 PM. Until 12 AM. My goal is 1 hour 35 minutes of studying. Maybe I’ll stay up all night, who knows?
Failed my goal by 30 minutes. To be fair to me, I was looking up hotels for my sister and fighting my parents about it. Who the fuck insists on making all the little decisions for their 30yo child? Who the fuck? Who the FUCK???? They don’t even make good decisions. Most of what they do is just ruining my life.

I want to stay up all night tonight to finish this. My dreams are shits. I am shit. Fat, slimy, stinking shit.

12:15 AM. Maybe until… 4 AM. 3 hours and 30 minutes of studying?
I just want to get out of here, but I don’t know where I would go?
Earlier I wanted to be comforted by my husband, but he was very sleepy. He usually isn’t that sleepy at night. So I was torn between asking him to comfort me and letting him sleep. I couldn’t just ask him so I just got mad and pushed him away.

I pretty much failed.

I hate disappointing people. Maybe I should get used to it more, but I hate it.

I hate that law school consumes my life and I don’t even like it. I don’t. It’s infuriating. I just can’t wait to be done. I can’t. My mom wants graduation pics so I’ll oblige, but I want my graduation to be as quiet and uneventful as possible. I just want my husband there. He’ll take pictures. We’ll scoot out once I’m done and go out to eat. I’m not happy about law school. I don’t want to make graduation a big deal.

I’m exhausted and frustrated all the time.

I dream of studying something more math-based. But I don’t know. I don’t know what I am capable of, really.

Yeah I just wasted more time. FML.

4:30 PM. I should pack up at 5:20 PM. So I’m gonna aim for 45 minutes of studying.
45 minutes achieved.

Ended up making some pesto, making love with the husband, and falling asleep at 8:30 PM. Through the morning. Didn’t get anything done. I don’t get it. Not even the adrenaline is helping me at this point.

Last updated November 10, 2022