Passing by in 2014

Yeah, so, updating. Thats not a thing I do anymore apparently.

Life is.... muddled. Its wonderful, and amazing and everything I could want. I have a wonderful fiancé who treats me like a princess and I feel guilty whinging about the little annoying things he does because he is so much more than anything I've ever had before. We're buying a house and trying for a baby and thinking about weddings and like, isn't that just everything? I have EVERYTHING.

But there's always a but, isn't there blud? As Kate would say.

And the but is that I still miss Cardiff. I still feel unfulfilled. I am not really making the most of my PhD and the experience I had in Cardiff, I am festering in an office in Bangor, doing very little and being appreciated for even less. Money is a SERIOUS issue at the moment, we're only in the position to even attempt to buy a house because my step-dad has gifted us the deposit. I don't know if the mortgage companies are even going to look at us.

I am also overweight and unhappy with the way I look. I am drinking far far too much.

I just feel a bit sad and lost. This wasn't where I was supposed to be, I was supposed to do something. Something useful. Something worthwhile. Everything is just stressful. Buying a house and worrying about money, worrying we won't be good enough. Looking at my sad, paltry salary and knowing I am being, quite literally, judged on this and whether it is "enough." And I worked so fucking hard for that PhD and for what? To be skint and judged. We want to start a family but with that comes even more worries about money and I feel like we are being irresponsible for trying for a baby when we are struggling so much already. And don't even get me started on the fucking wedding.

I feel overwhelmed by it all and really what I need to do is just take control of the situation and deal with the things that are stressing me out. I need to take control of my eating/drinking habits and lose some weight. I need to work with a better budget and set up some sort of saving plan for maternity/house/baby stuff. I need to make a plan and pick what I want to do and DO IT and get where I want to be. I am just so tired all the fucking time though, I feel like I can't do anything at all.