What is friendship, really, and how can you lose the closest friendship you’ve ever had? in Daydreaming on the Porch

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.


Octavia Butler


I let go, and I’ll be trying to pick up the pieces for a long time to come, or else I’ll finally move on and let those scattered pieces of a once-close friendship lie where they fell. Silence is golden after awhile.

This is the prelude to an account of an unforeseen exchange with one of my once-close friends whom I’ve known since 1974. I’m in sort of a grieving process because I didn’t think this would ever happen and I’m feeling a profound sense of loss. There are only a few such friends that come along in a lifetime.

A few days ago, I wrote this account. I cannot see this whole event that involved a back and forth email exchange, in anything but a subjective and biased light, clinging as I still am, sadly, to a friendship that, as my wise sister said, hasn’t been close for a very long time. I just kept assuming or even pretending it was.

Here is what happened. And as I said, I simply cannot view it objectively.

I have been in a period  of prolonged funk because a couple I have known for 48 years, and who I was once very close to, was in town all this past week on a first-ever long visit to Charleston, but we avoided seeing each other very unexpectedly.   Sadly, we had an email exchange two weeks ago that angered me as a provocation, and highlighted in the worst way possible our vast political, religious and many other related differences

In the first email, C… sent a notably conservative article for me to react to — unfathomably — and I felt obligated to send a detailed response, which he basically ignored after I had put a good bit of time, thought, and research into.

Then, when he responded to that by bringing up other things, I sent an angry reply that I had meant to sleep on before sending, but hit the “Send” arrow instead of the “Cancel/Save Draft” button instead.  At first I was disbelieving I had done that, but then thought about it and realized  it was meant to be — fate, for lack of a better word.  Also, I just discovered the other day that I could have “un-sent” the email if I had done it within 30 seconds.  

Needless to say, the email was sent, and no taking it back, but none of this should ever have happened. In the past, we have been able to enjoy each other’s company while scrupulously avoiding discussion of controversial topics. But now, in the Age of Trump and the January 6 insurrection attempt, all bets are off.  He said he should not have sent the article, and appeared genuinely taken aback by my reaction, and was mildly conciliatory, but the events of the past half dozen years have put me greatly on edge about the future of this country,  which has been so terribly polarized and riven with deep-seated and opposing politics and ideologies, like never in my lifetime.  

We both agreed that only time will tell where the friendship goes from here, if anywhere.  I’m trying to understand why, knowing me as well as he does, he would send that article.  I offered to show them around a special nature park where I often walk in one of the related emails, and then wrote a firm, but conciliatory  email, which he has not responded to.  Basically, for whatever reason, I’ve had the last word. Will it end up being literally that? I don’t know.

I had been going back and forth all this past week (they left yesterday) about whether to contact them anyway to pretend perhaps this had not happened, and that  it was just some very unfortunate misunderstanding.  But, no, it was much, much more than that.

In the midst of all this, a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh popped up, further confusing me:

“Where there is anxiety, irritation, and anger in us, we cannot decide clearly what to do.”

How true!  Nevertheless, I made the decision not to contact them, and let my final email of the exchange be open to them taking the next step. Complicated, yes, I know, but life is complicated.

I so wish we were not living in such terribly, dangerously fragmenting times which are able to literally destroy the longest-lasting friendships. So, I’m very distressed about all of this.  Most of my adult life I have either frequently visited these two people, having many enjoyable times together, and for a number of years, the deepest and best conversations one can imagine because we thought alike, or else I have been keeping in touch by letter or email, even if years went by without any contact.  This was even long after he experienced a radical change and religious conversion, and espoused views that were totally the opposite of what we previously shared in common.  This has baffled me for more than 40 years, but we still were able to maintain our friendship and keep in touch. Apparently, not anymore.   This is so sad because, while I hope these developments are not permanent, I can’t at the present time think otherwise..  It makes me question what friendship really is.

Last updated November 03, 2022