Quiet Part Out Loud in Current Events

I managed to get myself a little flustered. I said the quiet part out loud. Well, I texted the quiet part out loud. I know that my procrastination is a response to fear. Fear boils down to control. I don’t want to lose control or not be in control so I create habits where I can feel in control. Though, I am not in control because my fear is. Naturally, this habit is something I created as a child which served me then but doesn’t serve me now… but that’s another story.

I am keeping myself radically distracted because I am not in control of some aspects of my life. I finally made my big move to advance myself toward my career goals. 18 years later than most people but that’s okay. However, my shifts have dropped to twice a week. My roommate is a functional alcoholic that is trying to get her addictions under control. That obviously affects me.

Job, roommate and school. I have to evaluate my priorities. I have to change something. Russel Brands’ chart from his book recovery, step four, is a perfect tool here to help me process a few things. While I’m taking a break from studying I might as well get a head start on this inner work.

I Resent: Place of Employment.
Because: I didn’t get that full-time position I worked hard for and then lost hours.
This Affects My:
Pride (what I think they think about me): Yes.
Self-esteem (what I think about me): Soft yes.
Personal Relations (the script I give others): Yes.
Sexual Relations (as above, pertaining to sex): No
Ambitions (what I want in life, my overall vision of my perfect self): Yes
Security (what I need to survive): Yes
Finances (money and how it affects my feelings): Yes
My Part (defective characteristics present when resentful): Contempt, retaliation, jealousy, lack of discipline, laziness, sensitivity, vindictive, shame, distraction, over-spending, anxious, etc

I Resent: Roommate
Because: Her addictions, financial abuse, and mood/personality disorders.
This Affects My:
Pride (what I think they think about me): Yes
Self-esteem (what I think about me): No
Personal Relations (the script I give others): Yes
Sexual Relations (as above, pertaining to sex): No
Ambitions (what I want in life, my overall vision of my perfect self): Yes. I feel stuck.
Security (what I need to survive): Yes
Finances (money and how it affects my feelings): Yes
My Part (defective characteristics present when resentful): avoidance, spending, inconsistent eating patterns, intolerance, condescending, passive-aggressive.

I Resent: School
Because: The process of learning sucks
This Affects My:
Pride (what I think they think about me: Yes
Self-esteem (what I think about me): Yes
Personal Relations (the script I give others): No
Sexual Relations (as above, pertaining to sex): No
Ambitions (what I want in life, my overall vision of my perfect self): Yes
Security (what I need to survive): Soft yes
Finances (money and how it affects my feelings): Soft yes
My Part (defective characteristics present when resentful): avoidance, procrastination, shame, impatience, lack of discipline, crippling social anxiety, etc

I can at least find some patterns here. It helps organize what I am feeling and helps me hold myself accountable as a co-creator. I resent school because it is potentially in the way of getting the position I want should the opportunity come again. It can be in the way of employment elsewhere should I leave this place of employment or seek a second employment opportunity. I feel stuck with my roommate because I can’t afford to live on my own. If I had gotten that full-time position I wouldn’t have most of these conundrums… which are what I am actually avoiding.

The obvious solution is shift security. I can wait for another opportunity or I can find an opportunity somewhere else. The shift structure I have is why I don’t want to give up this gig. School is my priority, I am revolving everything else around it. I think I need to look for another job. I might have to embrace shift work but that’s okay. I don’t know when the next opportunity for full-time will be. I didn’t want full-time when I started there but that isn’t an option right now. I need to be a little more financially secure because I don’t trust this living situation right now.

I have my test tomorrow then I am free of class for seven days. I have an opportunity to figure things out. I’ll look around online to see what job opportunities there are. Spruce up my resume. I need to make schoolwork.

I’m obviously procrastinating my studying because I don’t feel good enough. I will not fail that test tomorrow, I know that much. My friend sent me a screenshot of a tweet being an adult is hard but can you imagine having to do math homework again. Like, that is where I’m at lol. Next semester I am aiming for chemistry. I will talk to the career counsellor at the school and maybe she can help me map out my future. I only took the first step. I can’t think too big or I will overwhelm myself but I think this will be a good exception. I need to be goal-oriented here.

Anyway, I spent about 7-8 hours studying today. My test is tomorrow at 5:30 so I have all day to do it all over again. Then I am not wasting my opportunity to master the material like I did the last time we had a seven-day weekend. Tomorrow is my last class until next week. I just want to get this test over with.