Up and Down in Current Events

Yesterday morning I saw that my roommate had her got-my-life-right smoothie prepped for the start of her day. When she got home later in the evening, she told me that she is quitting alcohol indefinitely and is reducing her weed intake to just the odd weekends. She went a week without it so far and she can feel the difference. She’s been stoned for fifteen years solid, practically. She is also ready to commit to ghosting Bob. (That story is in my previous entry).

Her narrative about all of it, the alcohol, weed and even Bob has completely changed. I don’t want to be a toxic person. She told me. I really did get through to her. She accepted self-awareness. This is exactly the kind of energy I like being around. I like being around people that are in the middle of making positive changes. I used to be up to my knees in cluster B’s.

Speaking of cluster b’s. I had a depression attack yesterday. It was mild. Last week it happened while I was at work so that one hit very hard. It dawned on me that this is what it was like for me during my high school days. It was part of my social anxiety. I would have that “high” from the anxiety and then that low when I crashed. So this hath returned for me during this Saturn retrograde? This issue is what I had been hiding from my whole adult life. I let it make a lot of my decisions. I shall be mindful of what is going on in my head while this is happening.

My depression attack was triggered while I was getting ready to cook dinner for Toni and me. I was already feeling low and heavy when it appeared that I was out of the main ingredient. I had run next door to the store for a couple of things to make the best tacos ever after work and then when I saw that I didn’t have the veggie ground round I was devastated. I eventually found half of a bag but my mind had already snapped. I can’t keep up with anything! I can’t keep up with the groceries, the apartment, etc Just my usual diatribe. What seems to be crushing me at the moment are my plans tonight. I’m just burned out and need a weekend all to myself. I’ve been going none stop since the restrictions lifted. It’s a birthday celebration for Carly and Leanne. Mine is next but not until January. I am going to start saying no plans in between then.

This also seems to be about my finances. I’m still recovering from the transfer of wealth we call a pandemic. I lost everything. This seems to be plaguing my mind a lot also. I am not doing horribly, I’m just not going as far and as fast as I want to. I was looking online to see what else is out there for employment and I just don’t want to do anything else. I like the gig that I have. I even have the part-time hours that I originally wanted. If a full-time position becomes available I will take it. Maybe? Do I need a side hustle? I don’t know what I want or need here. I probably just need to be patient with myself while I’m in school. Its just adult-ed, yes, but if my five-year plan comes together I will be making about $350 an hour. That’s way more than I need.

Maybe I just need to change the context of what is happening when my anxiety is triggered. Excitement and worry are the same physical experience after all. When I get the first-day jitters the day of my class I can think about what I want to do after I have my doctorate. I’ll be helping people heal. I will be adding real healing to the world. I want to start up an organization that will teach Terrain Theory to indigenous communities so that they can learn to heal the way that they used to. The east didn’t bring diseases they brought big pharma. I want to give that back to them. I also want to jump on board with organizations that are trying to take down big pharma. It’s a holocaust in broad daylight and I’m just talking about things like HIV and Africa. Not the current thing which is beyond obvious now. Those who know, know. Those who don’t will be dead and out of the way in 10 years, tops.

Then there are the little things. I can buy the house of my dreams. Get the spouse of my dreams. Get two Dobermans. I still want my side quest to be me on social media adding to the truther movement. My lanes will be terrain theory and the science of light. I’m a modern heretic and I want to do modern philosophy. Germ theory is dogma and a hoax and Christians are their own antichrists. The Bible teaches physics, matter is light slowed down. Giordano Bruno, Hypatia, and Socrates, to name a few, died for teaching the holy sciences. It’s the truth of all truths. We are all spiritualizing our own prison but we had the key the whole time. We are possessed by our demons, our egos. Our bodies rule us. This journey was not meant for the chaff, that is why the truth was hidden in allegory. “They are vile and profane.” Not my words.

Another thing that crossed my mind which made my heart drop, actually, was my insecurities about trying to add to the truther movement online. That aside, I already know that I will be public enemy number one if I develop a big enough reach. I watched somebody that I follow, a naturopath warrior react to him losing 500+ followers because he questioned the bible. I’m like, welcome to the mass psychosis. These are dangerous and mentally disturbed people. We shouldn’t need to tell adults that burning bushes can’t talk, we can’t logistically support two of every animal on an ark, and a literal woman wasn’t made from a literal rib of a man. That is an obvious allegory about all of creation coming from the splitting of an atom. John 3:11, We speak of what we know. These fundamentalists only speak of evil because they only know evil. That’s what is in their hearts because they fractured their reality. The knowledge of good and evil was a forbidden fruit for this reason. They are externalizing that which is supposed to be internalized so they not know good or god. They are worshipping false idols, their own satan in fact who is just Saturn. They are false witnesses. The ways of old are returning in this turning of the age. I can see it everywhere.

I saw a meme of a Priest pointing to the sky and telling a native Chief “Before us you were worshipping the sun!” The chief looked at him like he was an idiot and said “The sun is real!” These creeple hate nature, they hate god and they hate the truth. The west will fall because it has to. It’s built on lies and everything is subjected to the truth and nothing can last unless it is built on the truth. The ways of old have lasted because they are built on truth.

Anyway, today I shall dread these evening plans until I get to them. I intend to get my study on for this math class. I didn’t feel so alone after the last class. Everybody is uneasy and a little shaky with the material. I am going to write up some charts that I have to memorize and hang them somewhere in the apartment for me to memorize. I look at my own study notes and I look like I am turning all of the math equations into English essays. I’m not a natural with math, I’m just not. I need to know the principles of what is happening, not just how to make the numbers work.

Even though I hate it I am going to clean the apartment. Do my usual routine. Then get around to studying.

I relapsed yesterday. I’m trying to do the “NoFap” and quit watching pornography. I am going to do NoNut November and practice semen retention but quitting porn has been the bane of my existence. I’ve quit cigarettes, eggs, meat & dairy. I quit a litany of other unhealthy behaviours but this is the one that just seems to be the most difficult. It’s not like I spend the whole day watching it, just once in the evening. There are thirst traps everywhere. My trigger was a dumb post on Instagram. A guy in some spandex situation had a nice butt and I need to get a grip already.

Anyway, doesn’t matter right now. I shall move on with my day. I’m hoping Toni has her sparring class today. I wouldn’t mind some alone time. Oddly enough, everything going on with me aligns astrological for me, random I know. Whateva