The epiphanies so far advice please in Second 1st

So, I made the goal yesterday and I’m home today. This is great because a quick call with mom revealed that I have sooo much to do at home. Mom and Joshua will be coming up Wednesday.... around 1pm.... Rocky has a DR appointment at 8am but it’s in Murfreesboro and we should be back in plenty of time. What it means though is that I have 4 days.... scratch that … 2days (cause I’ll work Monday and Tuesday) to clean the house like it’s Christmas. I need to plan a few meals, too. They will be staying the night in the guest room for 3 .... possibly 4 nights, sharing the Queen bed in there.... lucky for me I saw this in the near future and washed all the bedding last weekend.... just have to put it back on....

so lists are forming in my head and I literally wrote a list of lists I need to write last night before turning in lol …

This morning I can’t seem to get motivated.... woke at 12:45, Rocky had to be to work to 4am today in order to be off at 5:30 so we could go check out the Nissan employee appreciation thing. He’s going to be exhausted come Monday.... if he’s not today just from the sleep hours change. I woke at 4:15 tried to get up but my head was killing me.... so I lay back down … to find my back was just not having it so I got up again after almost an hour of rolling around. I then got dressed and got a load of clothes started in the wash. Then.... took some meds and a nap in my chair. Slept for a good hour and didn’t want to get up.... but put the clothes in the drier anyways..... have some water for tea on the stove and am about to start making these lists....

I figure between the brain dump (lists & blog), some chai tea, and the new Icon for Hire album I should be able to get moving.

So, let’s get started.....
Last weekend I had a huge epiphany while high.... seems the only time those happen.... but I can’t blame my brain. I fill it with busy crap all the time and once I’m forced to slow down it has time to think of the bigger picture items that should be daily things. Like How I don’t think I can’t be loved the way Jake wants to love me. That I am not worthy of his intensity. Every man I’ve been with, in their own time, comes to realize I’m not worth the effort. This is why Rocky and I don’t have sex now.... and though Jake and I are highly compatible.... well so was everyone else. Though I’d never felt cheating was an option I think it’s more about no one wanting to be with me that bad than me being actually faithful. .... I’m a bad person.... moving on to last week’s epiphany....

It wasn’t long ago when Jake pointed out that my picking was a sign.... or could be a sign of PTSD..... I’ve had trauma so that’s not a shock. (disconnects self) I was forced to have sex with my brother at the age of 5. He was 7. Forced by our babysitter who was the next-door neighbors’ kid. After telling my parents the only thing that happened was that he was no longer our babysitter..... no medical exams.... no court, jail.... and I had to see the boy all the time till I was 8 and once a month till I was 14 because they rented from my grandmother and paid my father after she died (when I was 8). (reconnecting) Amongst other traumas.... I remember starting to pick at 8..... and have been doing it ever since. Do I know exactly when? nope.... why? nope.... I have always said that between that and my weight issues.... I blame my past trauma.... but isn’t that what makes us who we are? .... but what if I don’t like who I’ve become. Now I’m about to be 42 and just stumbling on it....

I’m ready to admit I need help. Anxiety.... PTSD.... whatever you want to label it.... dermatillomania.... OCD.... I hadn’t considered most of it.... just “that’s how I’m built” that’s what I do...... It took me a long time to get here.... to the point where I believe you accept me as me or you don’t. I don’t wear makeup to look better.... not in general, makeup is for events.... but.... since gaining a boyfriend and the bills piling up and me not working a traditional job and so much self-worth is wrapped up in how I pay bills..... things are getting a bit out of hand. I have scabs I pick at daily that are somewhere between a dime and a nickle in size. Jake has brought up mrsa, which is a skin-eating virus that honestly I could have easily gotten in my years.... but have not. Though it should scare me it’s not the first time anyone has told me that and I am not scared at all. The real thoughts come when I think about all the things that dermatilomania is and all the things I do.... like running my hand over my skin in search of a spot that just shouldn’t be there to pick at..... that’s called grazing.... like it has a name ya’ll..... I’ve always thought that .... well my fingers are sensitive and I can get obsessive but it’s not anything to worry about BUT it has a name.... it’s a thing.... and because it’s attached to something not so great… there is treatment! There are things to do.... and it’s not like I haven’t tried things..... gloves, short nails, band-aids, fidget toys

But who to ask? .... so I”m at the point of how to talk to a doctor.... Remember it wasn’t that long ago I asked my GP about anxiety/depression connected to Meniere’s and how my life has changed with it. Because I hadn’t thought about killing myself he dismissed it. How would I go to him and ask about a psychiatric evaluation? who he could refer me to so that the insurance would cover it? .... I’ve had some of my current scabs since mid-June.... I have a couple on my legs that I can’t remember when they got there.... I just know that I was nearly completely clear for Destiny’s wedding and that took a ton of effort ya’ll ..... and it shouldn’t have....

So how come according to articles I’ve been reading 1 in 20 people have some sort of body-focused repetitive behavior and I’m this old and only just now realizing it’s a thing.....

I come from a different time right.... mental illness and mental health haven’t always been in our vocabulary. I’ve taken the “pizza face” and the questions that answer themselves “You allergic to winter or something?” and I cried.... then bucked up and counted those people amongst the idiots who couldn’t accept me for who I am.... but maybe.... maybe that’s not even part of me.... like.... I’m questioning so much now.... I like my house cold because I love long sleeves and hoodies.... and why? because when the scabs on my arms are covered I “graze” less.... or when I do pick at them and they bleed I don’t have to watch.... just cover them up (depending on the color of the shirt). It’s been summer, and I’ve been outdoors.... in tanks and t’s ..... I think the last time I wore shorts was while mowing the lawn when I was with Randy (2002?) and that was already a very rare thing. My legs are super white with many scars.

AND..... if this is a thing it could explain the weight gain too.... when I’m not doing things with my hands I tend to snack.... eating far more and more often than anyone should need to. So.... what if.... what if I seek treatment for the one thing and find the amazing benefit of weight loss. What a dream ya’ll.... so.... how do I even seek help?

I browsed TicTok yesterday to see if anyone was on about it.... and there are people.... some beautiful high school girls.... you know because as an older person I am not expected.... or even sometimes made to feel welcome.... and how to even explain how I got here.....

Oh hey so I was high the other day.... that’s not a good role model is it? .... lol last time I could say that was in my 20’s .... now it’s a weekly thing because honestly this self-growth and discovery is amazing. How would I even start a tictok about something I can only know about because of my experiences..... and all I see is beautiful people talking about how vain they are wearing makeup to cover the wounds they cause on their faces.... I have them everywhere and I don’t cover them as much as I probably should. As one boy said “I worry that people think I have monkeypox or that I’m a drug addict.” I personally got out of that I care what others think just after getting out of school. I watched well over 50 tic toks and identified with each one.

i want to document and share this, what could be, life changing (for me if not others) thought process.... but … maybe TocTok is not the platform?.... but what if it is.... shrugs......

So ya’ll leave me some feedback on how to talk to a doctor..... and ideas about the Tic Tok .... or something