Selfish in Current Events

My sister is in town this weekend. She will be staying with me at my apartment. I’m pretty excited. I miss her a lot. She’s on my mind frequently. She is only two hours away but it feels like she is locked in a tower out of reach because of her boyfriend. He’s a sociopath, as most addicts are.

We started the curriculum in class yesterday. It was only a little bit intimidating. I am going to have to work really hard because math does not come naturally to me. What I have to do is write mini-essays for myself, to summarize every lesson. To explain to myself what these equations are doing so that I can visualize it in my head. Otherwise, I am just memorizing things without understanding them. I need to understand the higher principles of what I am doing. I am aiming to start that today. What is working against me is that I am not fresh out of high school so I am out of touch with a lot of it.

My depression hit me yesterday while I was at work. That never happens. It was so heavy. It all revolved around my finances which was logical. Astrological I should say. I know that Saturn is in retrograde and even though I saw it coming it still hit pretty hard. I even felt festive enough to paint my nails black. It’s only natural that my finances would be front and centre during this retrograde for a Capricorn.

I was worrying about my cut in hours at work. I have this rational fear of them getting smaller. It has gotten smaller for most of the part-timers already. I don’t have seniority over the other part-timers either. However, the two that do have seniority over me want nothing to do with full-time. They welcome dropping down to working twice a week. The company wants part-timers with full-time availability. I know this game. I just can’t commit to it and I have to be honest with myself about it. I like the gig but a full-time opportunity might be too far away. I am going to have to keep my eye open for other opportunities. At the same time, I need to give my head a shake whenever it comes up with ways to create full-time opportunities at this current gig. I promised Mel and Jon that I would keep confidences. They are being harassed by Mike. If I get chummy with guys on our team Mike will haze them and call them my boyfriend. It got so bad for Mel. Mike pretended to shove a broom up Mel’s ass. This is sexual harassment and I feel like my boss would just protect him from HR. I don’t even want to care. I don’t want this job to become my whole life.

Finances, there is a lot that I want to do. There is a lot that I want to learn in regard to investing money. I want to learn all of the tricks. Small things like owning nothing and putting it all into an LLC. Using life insurance to be my own bank. I am living paycheck to paycheck, yes. I am tired of living this way. I’m turning 37 in a few months. I have to be patient and go easy on myself. I did lose everything during that transfer of wealth we call a pandemic. If my five-year plan goes without a hitch, I will be making around $350 an hour. More if I open my own clinic.

What would that do? There is a little game called what would that do? It helps me get to the bottom of my desires. At the end of my goals, I have my own clinic. I am an apothecary/naturopath/life coach. A shaman of the times. What would that do? With my own clinic I would be my own boss. I want to be in the private and more sheltered from public policies. I have residual PTSD from living as a medical heretic during this vaccine inquisition. I will have financial stability and financial independence. Security, that is what I want. I want to separate myself from this narcissistic system. Unlearn helplessness. Empower others. We are spiritualizing our own prison and the cage is unlocked. I only want to serve God and the truth. I want to give my life to it. To serve God, one only needs to serve others. I discovered what path to take in life before I discovered that it was in perfect alignment with my birth chart. Go figure.

Anyway, I also have my side quest to make content for the socials. My brand is that I am a modern heretic. Everybody dogmatically believes what they believe and now we’ve reached herd stupidity as a society. Nothing that I want to talk about is palatable for these fundamentalists. I will be a modern heretic to them. Today, we call them conspiracy theorists. They are blasphemers of today for daring to display cerebral constitution. Let the out-of-touch boomers get insecure and throw narcissistic tantrums. That’s all they got. In 20 years they will all be dead and nobody is going to remember them so fuck it.

I have a lot that I want to do. I have so much on the back burner. Maybe I will tackle it all. I am going to start with a detox. I might also fast today. As soon as my roommate leaves I am going to soak in the tub with Epsom salt. Then do a coffee enema. Then build a to-do list and get it started. Definitely going to get started with organizing my notes from class and then go over the material. Start writing it all out for myself. I need balance, boundaries and discipline. That’s the lesson with a Saturn retrograde. However, his lessons come the hard way. The absolute hard way. Saturn is not here for the bullshit. His crushing weight isn’t for everyone.

Speaking of Saturn, I learned about something called a Saturn return. It’s the big bad in one’s birth chart when Saturn returns to the exact longitude on one’s birth chart. The worst things can happen. I went to a calculator to see when mine are. 2015 was my first one. It can last for up to three years. Well shit, that is when my whole life fell apart which I would do over again because it removed so many obstacles for me that I didn’t even know I had. It is when I learned some of the hardest lessons of my life to date. Instead of having a nervous breakdown I had breakthrough after breakthrough. I came out of that a completely different person. So much so that I ended up with imposter syndrome because everybody was identifying me as somebody that I no longer was. Whatever, my next one is in 2044.

On with my day, I suppose. I am dedicating it to being selfish.