Minor Le Sigh in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

So, on this day in 2019 (before I started this alternate space) I wrote a (forgive the lack of modesty) pretty hot erotic story based on some conversations I was having with someone online. I had originally met this person through Prosebox but.... circumstances. I don’t often share my Social Media information with Prosebox folks. MOST of the time, this is true. But around 2019 there was some serious concern that Prosebox was going to go away. So anyone that I had enjoyed getting feedback from, anyone that I had enjoyed reading… an e-mail, facebook, something was shared with them. This particular person included. She was a great ego boost. She sent me photos (no nudes, I was still married) and she was gorgeous. Hell, at the time and still now, I’m not entirely certain that she wasn’t a Catfish. Gothic Gorgeous Babe worked in a Lawfirm in Texas. Our conversations were friendly, social, and would occasionally delve into the very sexual. Though… our last communications lead me to believe that she enjoyed the idea of me being married and the frank conversations about sex and sexuality weren’t frank conversations but a desire to flirt with and potentially bed a married guy. AND if I was ever to go that way.... 2019 was the year it could have happened. I mean… after all the counseling and the trying and the working and the sacrifice… to only have the “I don’t want a relationship with you and you’re too fat and unattractive for my attention” that was coming from the Wife?? Yeah. In some ways… the fact that I never cheated on my now ex-wife is… well, I shouldn’t expect anything special because that is what is supposed to happen but… it is a little surprising in some ways.

But yeah. Wrote a great, sexy, hot piece in 2019. Then September 2020 was… a weird time. Reviewing old journal entries, I was engaged in a sexual relationship with a married poly friend… and it was good… but even at that point there was a significant “This is pity sex because you don’t have any experience” feel to it. That said… she was still a gorgeous ginger with a voracious sexual appetite and I did learn a lot about myself and sex. Perhaps really ironically, September 2020 is also when I met her friend… that, it felt, she was trying to set me up with. BUT I was resolved that I wouldn’t get involved with this specific woman for a number of very logical, rational, intelligent reasons. Oh, hindsight. It’s funny to re-read those entries now considering that a few short weeks later (around December 24, 2020) I would find myself, very much against my will, falling for that specific person. Then having some of the absolute, without question best sex of my life… three times.... before it all dissolved. Leading to October 1, 2021… which was a very raw day emotionally. Hard day at work, massive bullshit surrounding the divorce and fallout from all of that, a steady diet of seeing Social Media Posts about how “It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve experienced, or where you’re from: if you’re a white cis straight man, you deserve to die miserable and alone.” SO October 1, 2021 wasn’t great emotionally or sexually.

I kind of write this as an “interesting” bookend, then.
Oct 1, 2019- wrote an awesome sex story with/involving a potentially fake Uber Hottie Goth that was actually (kind of maybe in some ways if she was real) in my life.
Oct 1, 2020- in an arrangement where sex at least once a month was not only NOT laughably improbable but was more or less happening kind of.
Oct. 1, 2021- Rough day emotionally. Hadn’t had sexual contact of any kind for 7 or 8 months. Hadn’t even come close to anything like a date or even coffee with a member of the opposite sex!
Oct. 1, 2022- An interesting, if weird, combination of things. Haven’t had sexual contact of any kind for 19 or 20 months. Have had some meals or gotten drinks with friends, including single women in the mix. But nothing romantic or anything like that. So… in some ways, I guess, making forward strides as a person.

A… somewhat horny, inexperienced, rapidly aging person.

It’s actually kind of a weird, interesting, unfortunate perspective in some ways. I think “It’s been almost two years since any kind of affectionate, amorous, sexual touch” but quickly think, “So what? You went longer than that when you were married. If your ‘drought’ lasts you into your 40s, then we can talk.” But… that’s also an issue overall. The fact that “several years” between any amorous touch in the marriage was not only a frequent thing but a constant thing… issue. Fact that single life pretty much leads to the same thing? It… can be really hard not to assume that’s The Universe saying “Your ex-wife was right. You are too fat and unattractive to be worthy of amorous touch.” Which… logically, I know that’s bullshit. But these patterns… happen.