The Fear Of Falling Apart in In My World

I’m on vacation right now with some friends of mine. It is now 12:07 and I’ve been rushing to turn in assignments that were due by 11:59 or technically due last week but I have until tomorrow night to submit.

It’s so much easier to handle my shitty time management skills, my school related panic, and my college ptsd when I’m alone. That’s what I’ve learned today.

They are all so kind and gentle towards me when it comes to college. They all ask if they can help, if I need anything, what they can do, etc. I wish I knew how to ask for help. I’m overwhelmed and just trying not to get far behind. I have a full course load this semester and I know I can handle it but I had a shitty week and I’m just trying to get my shit together. Missing one week is dangerous and makes me feel like I’m never going to catch up.

I love this group of people and I feel so at home with them. It’s just that it’s easier to deal with being a complete dumpster fire of a person when there’s no one else around to see.

What do you mean people actually care how I’m doing in school? What do you mean people actually care about my mental energy and how I’m doing? It’s such a wild concept to me. I’m usually the one caring. That or I get to be too much for people and they leave.

I don’t know. We were just talking about pooping blood like it’s a completely normal conversation. I feel so at ease with them. I’m not worried about embarrassing myself because they’re far more out-there than I am. They’re all so sure of who they are and comfortable talking about any and every thing. When I DO embarrass myself, if I’m actually upset about it, I receive comfort. If I laugh it off, they pick on me, too.

I don’t know, I’m about fried right now but I had to write this down.

Ignore me, I’m exhausted, caffeinated, and full of anxiety.

Point is, They’re all here asking what they can do and pushing me to succeed. I’m just happy to be here.

That said, I only got half my assignments done (2 of 4) and I feel like garbage about it, but it’s manageable. I can do this. I can do hard things.